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After the meal Nothing Could Be SweeterBy Rick Horowitz "...this drumstick they gave me, I swear I've never seen anything like it in my life! It must have been the size of a -- " "Here he comes." "Good morning, sir! Welcome back -- did you have a good Thanksgiving?" "I certainly didn't, and neither did you. Let the minutes reflect that this emergency meeting of the YamCo executive board was called to order at precisely 9:02 a.m., and that all board members and department heads are present." "As you required." "Exactly. If any of you has someplace more important to be this morning, we can certainly do without you -- but not just this morning. I'll want your resignation on my desk by close of business today. Any questions?" "We're with you all the way, chief!" "I wish that thought made me feel better. Dave, you've got the numbers?" "Well, they're only preliminary numbers, sir, so we still -- " "I said, 'Dave, you've got the numbers?'" "Uh -- sure. We're looking at a drop, kind of a big drop, actually. Compared to our five-year average, holiday sales are down 8%. Compared just to last year -- and I realize last year was out of the ordinary -- we're down 19%. People just aren't buying yams." "For what it's worth, chief, they don't seem to be buying pumpkin-pie filling either." "Do we sell pumpkin-pie filling, Len?" "Of course not, sir. It's just that -- " "Then it's not worth anything. We are YamCo. We sell yams. When yams are down, we're down -- very simple." "Got it." "Glad to hear it. Gwen, what are the kids in marketing telling you?" "A couple of things, sir. First off, they're still picking up some brand confusion -- 'Is a yam the same thing as a sweet potato? Is a yam a certain kind of sweet potato?' That sort of thing." "If you're suggesting we change our name to SweetPotatoCo -- " "Not at all, sir. It's just that we probably have to push a little harder for consumer awareness. Our latest phone survey of favorite Thanksgiving foods? We've only got 22% naming 'yams' unprompted, and it goes up another 12 when you read them a list. 'Sweet potato' holds steady at 37. So we know there's room for growth." "And how do your people suggest we do that? A new line of yam jam?" "Well, sir, we were thinking maybe celebrity endorsements -- you know, get a little yam buzz going. It certainly worked for milk." "'Got yams?'" "It wouldn't have to be that, exactly -- just the general idea. I mean, if we could get Ben Affleck or -- " "Ben Affleck eats yams? My kid loves Ben Affleck." "We could certainly find out. And if he's not interested, or he's way out of our price range, we could pitch the Dr. Seuss people -- see if we can do something like 'Green Eggs and Yam.' Or even Popeye -- 'I yam what I yam...'" "Popeye is spinach. Everyone knows Popeye is spinach." "But that's why it would work! You know, Nixon goes to China." "Nixon ate yams?" "That's not what I -- " "My kid loves Ben Affleck..." Posted 11/30/02.
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Rick Horowitz
