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Candidate overload In Iowa, It's Up Close and PersonalBy Rick Horowitz Click. " -- a final coat of varnish, Skip, and that leftover turkey drumstick is now a decorative holiday doorstop! This is Connie Grinns-Konstantly, for 'Live at Five.'" "Great story, Connie -- I can't wait to check out our refrigerator! Iowa's perkiest local news continues now with 'Caucus Countdown' -- what's on today's menu, Toni?" "Well, Skip, we're heading over to Cedar Shavings today, where Greg is standing by with a gentleman who's been having a totally 'non-Iowa' experience. Greg?" "Right you are, Toni! I'm here in the home of Mr. Edwin Wiffley, a lifelong resident of this pretty little town, and a man with an amazing story to tell. Ed, I understand you haven't met a candidate yet." "That's right, Greg." "Not even one?" "Not even one." "Now, just to be clear here: The caucuses are less than two months away, the candidates have pretty much taken up residence here in Iowa and in New Hampshire, and you still haven't had a single encounter with a single person running for president? Is that what you're saying?" "Just lucky, I guess." "You haven't been out of the country or anything, have you, Ed? Living on some desert island somewhere?" "Been right here, Greg." "You know how unusual that makes you, don't you, Ed? In fact, if our 'Live at Five' research team is correct, you're the last person in all of Iowa who hasn't come face-to-face with at least one of these folks." "Heard there was this other fella over in Cedar Pyramids hadn't met any of 'em either. Then he had to go into the hospital the other night -- his appendix was acting up." "And Al Gore was in the ambulance with him." "Right -- telling him why Bradley's health-care plan was too big. But he was the only other one I'd heard of." "It's more than just being lucky, though, isn't it, Ed? We were talking before we went on the air, and you were telling me how keeping the candidates away has involved some planning, too. Your food, for instance." "Well, I laid in a 12-month supply of canned goods, bottled water, paper towels -- everything I need to get me past the caucuses, it's down in the basement. I figure the less I have to go out, the less chance I have of running into them on the street." "Which is why you also quit your job, isn't it? In fact, I understand you haven't left your house at all since sometime last April." "It's worth it, Greg. You do what you have to do -- these people are desperate." "And that would explain all those new security cameras all around your property?" "I let my dog out for a walk in the yard one time this summer, he came back in with a bumper sticker on him: 'Another Bowser for Bauer.' Fella knocks on the door the other day, says he's selling magazine subscriptions to put himself through college. It was Steve Forbes." "You recognized him." "I turned the sprinklers on him." "One Iowan, Skip and Toni, who doesn't appreciate all the attention in this most political season. Now back to you." "We're pulling for him, Greg -- thanks! Straight ahead on 'Live at Five': What your cat's astrological sign says about you. Don't go -- " Click. Posted 12/3/99. Rick
isn't perky. Rick is funny. Tell your friends.
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Rick Horowitz