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Right at his doorstep What a (Seasonal) Surprise!By Rick Horowitz
You can talk about your Wi-Fi and your DVD. But when it comes to exciting innovations, to bold new steps in convenient communications, there's nothing on the market quite like the heat-seeking newspaper. You've never heard of the heat-seeking newspaper. That's OK; neither had I until just a few weeks ago. But now that I've found it, I don't know how I ever lived without it -- although I have a hunch I'll soon be finding out. Like everyone else, I've got plenty to say about technology. Unlike everyone else, much of what I've got to say is unprintable. That's because it doesn't take too much technology for me to have...too much technology. Here's what I mean: Maybe you've been mulling some high-end upgrade to your digital camera, or to your home-theater system, or to your iPod. I'm still trying to work out the fine points of my computer's modem cord. Seriously -- I decided a few weeks back (which is to say, I stumbled across one of them in an office-supply store) that it might be useful to have a retractable modem cord so that I wouldn't have to deal with a dozen feet of slack snaking all over my desk, or spilling out of my suitcase. So I bought one of the things; it's just like a tape measure, you push a button and the cord snaps back into place. In theory, anyway. Then I attached it to the computer -- this counts as a triumph, in case you're keeping score -- and I pulled it partway out of its little storage coil. What I've been doing ever since is trying to figure out how to get it back in. I know there has to be a button. Or a knob. I know I have to push -- or pull -- something in this -- or that -- direction to get it to work. Eventually, I'll find the something, and push it or pull it the way I'm supposed to push it or pull it. For now, though, whenever I want to get rid of slack, I have to try to stuff it back into its little coil by hand. This is even less fun than you'd imagine. But that's not what I wanted to tell you about. I wanted to tell you about the heat-seeking newspaper. I get two newspapers delivered to my front door every morning: the local paper and the -- ahem -- paper of record. At least I used to get two newspapers delivered to my front door every morning. Starting a few months ago, I began getting just one -- the local -- delivered to my front door, and the other one delivered...elsewhere. Down the steps. Down the path. On the lawn. As problems go, I grant you, this hardly rises to the level of tragedy -- unless, of course, you're one of my neighbors forced to start your morning watching some barefoot and bowlegged vision quickstepping his way out into the world, bending over to claim his prize, and then scooting back inside before total embarrassment sets in. Not a tragedy, no, but not quite what I was paying for either. I thought about calling to complain, but I decided that it must be a new person, someone still learning the ropes. It wouldn't take long, I figured, for the paper of record to once again join the local paper in its proper location. They don't call me an optimist for nothing. (They also call me a fool.) Anyway, there was no improvement during the rest of the summer, or even in the early months of autumn. But then -- But then, as the days grew shorter and the sun rode lower and lower in the sky, I noticed the strangest thing: My wayward newspaper started creeping closer to the door! Every day or two, as the temperature continued to fall, the paper moved six inches or a foot nearer, as if it needed the warmth of hearth and home to survive. And by the time December rolled around, there it was, almost back where it used to be. Almost back where it's supposed to be. I'm impressed. I have no idea how it works, what kind of sensors and motors spring into action to calibrate the proper placement of each morning's edition. But I figure as long as the days keep getting shorter, the paper is going to keep getting closer. In fact, I'll bet that by the time the winter solstice arrives, just a few days before Christmas, that paper will be sitting right on my doorstep. And I'll bet you one other thing: Any day now, I'll be receiving a Christmas card from the guy who delivers it. A heat-seeking newspaper and a tip-seeking carrier -- ain't technology grand? I wonder if my checkbook is retractable. Posted 12/4/03. Rick
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Rick Horowitz
