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Gates for Defense?

He's Got What It Takes

By Rick Horowitz

" -- an honor and a solemn duty to be here today, and I look forward to answering the committee's questions to the best of my ability. Thank you, Mr. Chairman."

"Thank you, Dr. Gates, for your statement, which will be made part of the record of these hearings. On behalf of this committee, and indeed on behalf of the American people, let me express our sincere thanks for your long record of public service, both inside and outside the government. And also for your willingness to once again answer the call, and to permit your name to be placed in consideration for the critical position of secretary of defense."


"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I consider it a privilege to have another go, if you will, at serving my country, and I -- "

"Good. Good. That's all very nice, Dr. Gates, but our responsibility on this committee, and with the guidance we hope to offer, the responsibility of the full Senate, is to fulfill our constitutional duty to advise and consent, and to make sure that a nominee, no matter how stellar his record, is an appropriate choice for the position to which he has been nominated."

"I couldn't agree more, Mr. Chairman."

"Now, Dr. Gates, this isn't the first time, is it, that you have appeared before a Senate committee seeking confirmation for an important job?"

"No sir, I -- "

"And while we live in a different time now -- still, memories are long, especially within this distinguished body. And while your record is in many ways exemplary, it has not been, it's fair to say, without its share of controversy."

"Mr. Chairman, if I could respond..."

"You'll have that chance soon enough, Dr. Gates. For the moment, though, I merely mention allegations, which I know you vigorously dispute, that have been leveled against you at several points in your career, and that were the subject of much discussion when you were previously before the Senate as a nominee for these other positions. Specifically, and perhaps most importantly, that you have shaped your analysis and your recommendations to please your various bosses, rather than to accurately reflect the data before you, and that -- and these, I repeat, are allegations only -- that you have at times insisted that your own subordinates do likewise."

"Mr. Chairman -- "

"As I said, Dr. Gates, I merely mention these allegations. Surely I would be remiss in my duties as chairman if I did not. My questions for you are, frankly, of a somewhat different order. And let me begin with this one: Dr. Gates, how many secretaries of defense are there?"

"I'm not -- do you mean, Mr. Chairman, how many secretaries of defense have there been historically? Since the position was first established? Off the top of my head, I'm not sure I can -- "

"No, Dr. Gates. I'm sure that's quite an interesting question, and the list we would come up with would include many very distinguished names. But my question is a different one: How many secretaries of defense are there at any one time?"

"At any one time? Well, just one, Mr. Chairman. There's just one secretary of defense at any given time. There are assistant secretaries, of course, and various deputies, and -- "

"Just one, Dr. Gates. You're correct. Just one secretary of defense at any one time. And the name of the current secretary of defense is...?"

"Donald Rumsfeld, Mr. Chairman, as I'm sure you know."

"Yes, I do, as do all the members of this committee. Now, Dr. Gates, Secretary Rumsfeld has announced his intention to resign from his position, is that correct?"

"Correct, Mr. Chairman, as -- again -- I'm sure you know."

"And just when, according to Secretary Rumsfeld, will his resignation take effect?"

"As I understand it, Mr. Chairman, Secretary Rumsfeld has said he won't leave his position until a new secretary has been confirmed by the -- "

"All those in favor?"

"AYE!!!!"

"The nomination is approved. Thank you, Dr. Gates -- these hearings are adjourned!"

Posted 12/05/06. Cast your vote for the best in political satire - click to "Rick's"!


Send Rick a note!Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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