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A big-league plan That Shrinking FeelingBy Rick Horowitz The really surprising thing, when you think about it, is that anybody was surprised. This was back in the fall of 2002 -- a while ago now, though sometimes it seems like only yesterday. The war was already going pretty well, and people were generally satisfied that the government had the situation under control. That's when Homeland Security Director Selig came out with his plan. His plan to contract the U.S. of A. "There are a number of states," Selig suddenly announced one morning, "that simply aren't pulling their weight. The only way to ensure the continued safety and vitality of the nation as a whole is to eliminate the weakest states from the union." Well, you wouldn't believe the hubbub -- you'd have thought the guy had said he was getting rid of Christmas, or shutting down the World Series! At the time, you see, Selig had only been on the job for a few months, and his selection had been controversial to begin with. "Home Plate Security Director," the wags had said, and the cynics wondered what a former owner of a baseball team was doing in such a vital job. (Other cynics, of course, were still trying to figure out what another former owner of another baseball team was doing in an even more vital job, but since President Bush was so nice, nobody worried too much about it.) "Bud has spent years standing up for American values," the president had declared when he appointed him, "standing firm against those forces who would tear us down." (Most people figured he meant the Players Association.) "I'm sure he'll bring that same commitment to his new position." Naturally, all anybody wanted to know when Selig announced his plan was: Which states? He hadn't named names, but the rumor mill was working overtime. Montana and Delaware were on the list, the whisperers said. No, said others, it's Iowa and Mississippi. Vermont. Rhode Island. Arkansas. Selig had kept things vague to keep his options open, people assumed. Maybe the threat of elimination might light a fire under some of the states that were on the bubble; if they started contributing more to the country's well-being, maybe they could escape the cruel fate Selig had in mind for them. Or maybe he'd already made his final choices and nothing they could do would save them. Some people couldn't help noticing that none of the rumors mentioned Wisconsin, Selig's own home state. They also noticed that if Iowa, for instance, bit the dust, Wisconsin could easily expand to the southwest and grab up some of the leftovers. Selig denied that he had anything but the country's best interests at heart, while his supporters pointed out that Wisconsin was one of just a handful of states with a retractable-roof stadium, which provided, they insisted, a perfectly good (if somewhat limited) missile shield. Could Mississippi say the same? Needless to say, the states that were on the rumor list were desperate. They pointed to their long membership in the United States, to the famous Americans who had been born there, the outstanding institutions that were located there, the vital goods and services that were produced there. "Not us!" they cried. "Somebody else!" Meanwhile, certain people in Washington, D.C., made clear that they were perfectly ready to become a state themselves and replace one of the losers. But no state had any intention of losing. They liked it here; they weren't interested in having their citizens split up among the surviving states. They started with lawsuits, but before long there were petition drives and boycotts, and then there were marches -- thousands and thousands of people taking to the streets, demanding that their particular state be preserved. Some of the marches even turned violent, and for a moment or two, it looked like the whole country might spin completely out of control. And that's when they turned things over to Attorney General Steinbrenner. Posted 12/6/01. "Rick's"
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Rick Horowitz
