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Funny Forbes? Take My Flat Tax -- Please!By Rick Horowitz I'll put it as simply as I can: What's the big idea?! And I don't mean "big idea" as in, "My campaign is about big ideas." I mean "big idea" as in, "Hey, buster, who do you think you are?" Who he is is Steve Forbes, publisher, demi-billionaire and presidential candidate. Who he thinks he is is Steve Forbes, publisher, demi-billionaire, presidential candidate and wit. It doesn't fit. He should quit. Not the campaign. The humor business -- although, come to think of it, he's no more likely to win the Republican nomination than he is to get a permanent gig on Comedy Central. Actually -- let's be honest here -- zebras will play xylophones before Steve Forbes wins the Republican nomination. But you can't blame a man for trying, can you? Sure you can. It depends on what he's trying. Whether he's trying, for instance, to do the very thing you've been doing yourself all this time. "Mockery of Bush an Attempt To Be Funny, Forbes Says." That was the headline just the other day, over a story describing Steve Forbes's attempt to explain away a comment from...Steve Forbes. He'd been asked about Social Security, you see. He'd recently criticized George W. Bush for being willing even to consider the possibility of raising the Social Security retirement age, and he was asked to explain what seemed to be a shift in his own position. Once upon a time, as the governor had been only too happy to remind him, Mr. Moneybags had actually been in favor of raising the retirement age. Being a tad inconsistent, are we? Not at all, Forbes suggested. "When I was young and irresponsible, I was young and irresponsible, and unlike some, I grew away from that initial position, and clearly some others are still stuck in it." "Young and irresponsible." And where have we heard those words before? You betcha: from Dubya his own self, explaining away (in the vaguest way possible, of course) various past indiscretions. Could this curious Forbes phrasing be some subtle dig at the front-runner on the character front? Nope -- because it wasn't even close to subtle. Because there was more. "At least you knew what I was doing in my youth," Forbes went on. "I was writing magazine columns. Others haven't been so forthcoming about what they were doing." Take that, you varlet! An attack, plain and simple, and undeniable -- until Forbes denied it. Two days later, on national TV, he was asked if he'd been alluding to those allegations that the never-ever-expected-he'd-be-governor had been personally acquainted with cocaine in his younger years. "No, not at all," Forbes claimed. "It was a throwaway line. I was trying to be humorous." Which is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you let an amateur into the humor game. They try to be "humorous," and they get themselves misunderstood. Then they start backing away, making excuses, apologizing. It's not a pretty sight -- and this one is especially messy. Steve Forbes is to humor, after all, what Bill Bradley is to fashion, what Alan Keyes is to modesty. Besides, I thought we had a deal. Forbes does money. I do funny. You don't see me dabbling in the magazine-publishing business, do you? You don't see trying my hand at the candidacy business, do you? So what's he doing horning in on my turf? Does he think there's an inexhaustible supply of "Mockery of Bush"? Does he think he can just use it up for his own petty purposes and leave me here trying to say something amusing about Orrin Hatch? No way! Steve Forbes had a choice to make years ago, the same as I did: big bucks, or big yuks. Hundreds of millions in his pocket, or the envy and admiration of literally dozens. He could have had the life I live; he chose to settle for something less. Those are the breaks. So: You still think you should be president, Steve? Get serious. Posted 12/7/99. He's
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Rick Horowitz