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The book on Barry As Pure as the Driven SnowBy Rick Horowitz
Of course I believe him! Don't you believe him? Barry Bonds, that is. It all makes perfect sense -- the explanations, the excuses, the alibis. Anyway, we don't have to take his lawyer's word for his innocence. We've got: "The Barry Diaries." And exactly how, you might be wondering, do I happen to be the only journalist in the entire country -- in the entire world! -- able to put his hands on such a valuable document? There's a perfectly simple answer: plenty of tough journalistic legwork. (And a vivid imagination.) Let the excerpts speak for themselves:
"Regular workout today -- 45 minutes weights, 45 minutes crunches, 30 minutes flexing. Good burn, but knees stiff -- expect even stiffer tomorrow. My body is my temple, but there's wear and tear in the basement. Getting old really bites -- has to be a better way!" * * * "Regular workout-- 45-45-30 -- still stiff. Greg gave me something for the knees, something for fatigue. 'Rubbing cream and flaxseed oil,' he said. 'Just our little secret.' Fine with me. Who am I going to tell?" * * * "Workout now up to 60 minutes weights, 60 minutes crunches..." * * * "90 minutes weights, 90 minutes crunches -- fatigue gone, muscle tone improving..." * * * "Two hours of weights, two hours of crunches. Still using Greg's cream and flaxseed oil -- no effect whatsoever. "P.S.: Had to buy new shirts -- all my old ones shrank." * * * "Great session in batting cage -- seeing ball better than ever, ball jumping off bat. Didn't realize eyelids had muscles." * * * "Four hours
weights, four hours crunches, two hours exercise bike. Greg's stuff
still doing absolutely nothing, but he's my friend, so I'll keep using
anyway -- day after day, month after month -- just to be nice. Kind
of guy I am. "Need to see dermatologist about acne on my back -- thought zits were for kids." * * * "Biceps up to 26 inches, bench-pressing 900 lbs. Workouts really helping -- wish I could say the same about the cream and the oil -- what a waste of time! Only using them out of loyalty to Greg. "Funny thing this morning: neighbor's cat crawled under house, got stuck. Lifted house so firemen could rescue him. Could be good for my image. (Not that I care.) "P.S.: Shirts keep shrinking." * * * "Went for 10-mile jog after dinner, overheard whispers everywhere about training routine. Earlobe muscles already making a difference -- wish I'd had them sooner!" * * * "Biceps up to 34 inches, bench-pressing 1600 lbs. Gained two hat sizes since yesterday, bent steel in my bare hands. Greg and I looking forward to another big season. "Glad to see hard work and clean living are paying off." Posted 12/9/04. Pump
up your humor muscles with a twice-weekly dose from Rick Horowitz! He'll
definitely be your MVP -- Most Valuable Pundit.
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Rick Horowitz
