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He has all the answers Mr. Politics Doesn't Pussyfoot AroundBy Rick Horowitz
Dear Mr. Politics: I'm the governor of the second-biggest state in the whole United States. Did you know that if Texas were an independent country, it would have the 11th-largest economy in the world? Did you know that Texas used to be an independent country? I know things like that because I'm a student of history, and I have a historical question for you. You may have seen me recently mentioning a book I've been reading about Acheson; I'd heard about him for years, and it's been really interesting reading. So here's my question: How come they never mention his partners, Topeka and Santa Fe? Eager to Learn, G.W. Bush Dear Eager: Don't quit your day job. Dear Mr. Politics: I'm a war hero and a senator who's doing much better as a presidential candidate than anyone ever expected. Lately, I've been the subject of a whispering campaign about my supposedly terrible temper, which has obliged me to make lame jokes at my own expense and to keep this ridiculous smile plastered on my face 24 hours a day. Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it, if you know what I mean -- heh, heh, heh. Can you help me stay calm? At Ease (for Now), John McCain Dear Now: Have you considered taking mud baths? When the world gives you lemons... Dear Mr. Politics: I'm running for president against a man who refuses to rule out raising taxes, so naturally I've been talking about his risky tax schemes everywhere I go. Now a few pesky reporters have forced me to admit that I can't rule out raising taxes either -- but that's totally different! At least I say I have "no intention" of raising taxes, certainly not under "current economic circumstances," and besides, I don't have a crystal ball. Suddenly, some people are saying I'm a hypocrite. Why is that? Aggressively, Al(pha) Gore Dear Al(pha): Because you're a hypocrite? Dear Mr. Politics: Washington lives by its own rules. Washington rules are bad rules. I don't live by Washington rules. I'm not from Washington. I hate Washington. How do I get to the White House? A Real Outsider, Steve Forbes Dear Real: Maybe you can build your own White House somewhere else. Dear Mr. Politics: One need not examine overmuch the variegated coverage patterns in this presidential campaign to come quickly to the realization that the constant minimization of my prospects, in ways the Founding Fathers would surely have found both unconscionable and immoral, is entirely due to my unwillingness to accede to persistent media expectations and, dare I say, pernicious stereotypes. And so I pose the following question: Can there be any other reason for this consistently dismissive treatment but rampant, blatant racism? Outraged, Alan Keyes Dear Outraged: How about the fact that you sound like you're getting messages through your fillings? Dear Mr. Politics: Wouldn't it be fun if all of us Republican candidates just got on a bus together for a month or two and drove around the country holding debates the way they used to? Full of Wanderlust, Orrin Hatch Dear Lust: Wouldn't it be fun if you could come up with even one reason why anybody should vote for you for president? Dear Mr. Politics: The Party of Lincoln and Reagan needs to respect the sanctity of all human life. The Party of Lincoln and Reagan needs a presidential candidate who'll set a place at the table for the entire American family. By the way, do you realize that the acronym for "Party of Lincoln and Reagan" is POLAR? Ever Loyal, Gary Bauer Dear Loyal: By the way, do you realize that the acronym for "Lots of Spunk, Extreme Right" is LOSER? Dear Mr. Politics: I'm not an ordinary politician -- I'm authentic. If I win, that's fine; if I don't, so be it. I'm trying to be candid with the American people, even about hot-button issues like taxes, but my opponent seems perfectly willing to use my candor against me. Isn't honesty still the best policy? Dazed and Confused, Bill Bradley Dear Dazed: Actually, honesty is the second-best policy. Pandering beats it every time. Posted 12/11/99.
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Rick Horowitz