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May it please the court... Can't Get There From HereBy Rick Horowitz
WASHINGTON -- Scalia's got me by the ankles and he won't let go. "Back off," I tell him. "I've got a plane to catch." "Not so fast," he says. This isn't normal, having a justice of the United States Supreme Court wrapped around your legs in the middle of the street. It's embarrassing, actually, Scalia around my ankles and Scalia's friends -- Rehnquist and Thomas, O'Connor and Kennedy -- standing there and cheering him on. I try to pull free, but I can't get away; Scalia's grip is like iron. "Why do you keep doing this to me?" I ask him. The first time was this morning; I'm walking down the street minding my own business when Scalia suddenly appears out of nowhere and grabs my arm. "You're going to the airport, aren't you?" he says. "You can't go to the airport until we know your reasoning." I'd never realized that Supreme Court justices got involved in stuff like this. And particularly Scalia; he's always talking about how he hates to interfere, how he hates to second-guess other people's decisions. "This is different," he says. He and his friends have to understand what's on my mind. "You let us know," he says, loosening his grip on my shoulder. "You let us know as soon as you figure out exactly why you've decided to visit the airport." As conversations go, it's a total waste, but I figure I still have plenty of time to catch my plane. Before I know it, though, Scalia sneaks up on me again -- one hand tight on my belt, the other draped casually across my neck. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks. "Right over there -- I've got a reservation." "I don't think so." "Why not?" "We may have some concerns. We'll have to think about it." And that's exactly what they do, Scalia and his friends -- they think about it. They think about it for 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour. Then Scalia starts asking me all these questions. "How come you're going to the airport this way, when other people go to the airport that way, and other other people go to the airport a different way altogether? Is that fair?" People have been going to the airport different ways for years, I'm thinking. What's the big deal all of a sudden? "It's nice to know you're so concerned with fairness," I tell him. "I had no idea you -- " "Are you trying to be smart with me?" he says. "Nobody gets smart with the smart guy." "I just want to catch my plane," I say. "Will you please just let me catch my plane?" "We'll have to think some more," he says. "Don't move." Another hour goes by, then two, then three -- I'm getting desperate! I make a break for it, but Scalia's too quick for me. He tackles me right there in the street. "We were right," he says. "It's not fair that people get to the airport different ways. Today you all have to get to the airport the same way." "And tomorrow?" "This is a new rule for today only." "Whatever," I say. "Gotta go!" I can hear the engines revving up. "Not so fast," Scalia says again, and he looks at his watch with a satisfied little smile. "Your plane leaves in five minutes. The way I see it, you can't possibly get to the terminal in time without jaywalking. Jaywalking is illegal. So..." And he gives me a ticket for jaywalking! "But the only reason I'm late is -- !" And another one for contempt of court. Posted 12/14/00.
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Rick Horowitz