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Devout, no doubt All Those in Favor of Jesus...By Rick Horowitz
For the briefest, the tiniest of moments, it had the makings of a major meltdown, right in the heart of Iowa, right in front of all those reporters and TV cameras. False alarm. It was only the latest salvo in the Great Republican Holier-Than-Thou-Fest. It was that, and it was George W. Frontrunner being a dot too cute for his own good. So what else is new? This was Monday evening in Des Moines, another chance for the six remaining Republican wannabes to mix it up in public, which they were only too happy to do. (Speaking of which, I'm officially declaring Alan Keyes "The Human Microwave" -- the man goes from room temperature to a full boil in 60 seconds every time.) Anyway, late in the proceedings, trying to get a better fix on what makes these guys tick, one of the moderators used an actual question from an actual Iowa viewer; he asked each candidate to name the "political philosopher or thinker" he identified with, and to explain why. Steve Forbes was first up, and he talked about John Locke, the 17th-century Englishman whose views -- despite their "flaws", Forbes cautioned -- had helped "set the stage" for the American Revolution. For good measure, Forbes also tossed in Thomas Jefferson for crafting the Declaration of Independence. Alan Keyes was next, and he opted for the whole flock of Founding Fathers, who "not only had interesting thoughts, they actually translated them capably into functioning instruments of government that have preserved our liberty now for over 200 years." Keyes then went on -- Keyes always goes on -- to pound on succeeding generations of politicians for veering from the Founders' original intent. Then along came George. "Governor Bush," said the moderator, "a philosopher-thinker and why." And the first and -- for the briefest, tiniest of moments -- the only word out of the governor's mouth was, "Christ!" And I thought to myself: He's had it with this stuff! He's tired of having to prove to somebody else's satisfaction that he has a brain in his head, that he's ever read anything heavier than a briefing binder, that he can "discuss" and "compare and contrast" on demand. He's angry and frustrated and -- Not quite. Because the tiny silence ended, and the next words were, "Because he changed my heart." And then he stopped talking. "Christ" hadn't been an exclamation -- it was his answer! "Christ," and the five words that followed it. Was I the only person in all of TV Land who thought that this particular reply, inspiring though it might have been, was one part piety and three parts dodge? Apparently not, because the moderator wasn't exactly satisfied either: "I think that the viewer would like to know more on how he has changed your heart." But W. wasn't looking to provide lots of detail, not even on the follow-up. "Well," he said, "if they don't know, it's going to be hard to explain. When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as a savior, it changes your heart and changes your life and that's what happened to me." End of answer. The Savior had saved him, all right -- saved him from having to demonstrate his book smarts (except, of course, for a bow to the Good Book), and even allowed him to score points with Iowa's highly devout Republican caucus population. Would the other candidates let him have the field all to himself? Not a chance. Orrin Hatch felt instantly compelled to add Jesus to his personal Top Two of Lincoln and Reagan, while Gary Bauer praised Jesus as his one and only choice. (John McCain, being John McCain, went for Teddy Roosevelt.) Meanwhile, Steve Forbes had to be screaming on the inside for handling the question as a serious question, rather than as another chance to shill for Iowa votes. After all -- how could he have forgotten? -- when it comes to positive poll numbers, John Locke can't hold Jesus' sandals. Posted 12/14/99.
Come back soon -- and tell your friends! (No praying required.)
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Rick Horowitz