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Controversy? What controversy? Bernie Can Handle ItBy Rick Horowitz
So anyways, like I was saying... I'm standing on line at Zabar's -- this is a couple of weeks ago, I'm picking up some smoked whitefish, a dozen bagels -- and who do I bump into but my old pal Bernie. Bernie Kerik. "Bernie!" I say. "How ya doin'?" "Doin' great!" he says. "How you doin'?" And right away, he tells me about this big new job of his -- running homeland security for Bush. He's already busy packing boxes -- important job like that, he's gotta move down to Washington. I'm happy for him -- me and Bernie, we go back a long ways -- but I gotta ask him: "They do the background check yet?" "No problem," Bernie says. Him and Bush, he says, they're like this -- and he crosses his fingers over, that's how close. He even campaigned for him. Plus he's Giuliani's guy, and you know Bush with Giuliani. Background check's a snap, Bernie says. "I'm happy for you," I say, 'cause I am -- I'm happy for him. But you know me -- it's on my mind, it's out my mouth. So I say, "You got a nanny, right?" 'Cause I remember something about a nanny. "She's OK with immigration? With the IRS?" 'Cause I'm thinking it could maybe be a...whatchamacallit, an issue. They always check you out so good before they announce you -- anything in your past, with the law, any money troubles, bankruptcies, taxes, lawsuits, whatever. With the nanny, I'm just wondering, that's all. It wouldn't be the first time. And Bernie, he says, "No problem." I say, "Fine." So then I say -- this line at Zabar's is moving like molasses -- I say, "And the stock options?" 'Cause somebody told me he got millions of bucks from these stock options. This company that sold these stun guns? -- tasers? -- to the homeland security, the same department he's supposed to run? Meanwhile, the company gives Bernie all these stock options, he cashes in, all of a sudden he's a rich guy. So is he gonna look like he's in their pocket or something? But Bernie, he says, "No problem." Fine by me. So then I say, "And that thing over in Jersey?" 'Cause, you know, you hear rumors -- construction business, this guy's clean, this guy's maybe mobbed up. You gotta be real careful who your friends are. But Bernie, again he says to me, "No problem." So then I say, "And that other thing? Downtown? In that apartment?" 'Cause I also hear that maybe him and the missus weren't doing so great. Maybe there was a little something on the side, you know what I'm saying? And he says, "The first other thing? Or the second other thing?" You coulda knocked me over with a feather! Me, I had no idea there were two -- one isn't enough trouble? And to run homeland security?! But Bernie, he says, "No problem." Only this time, he says it like I'm supposed to back off, which I do. I'm thinking to myself, why make him angry? He's got enough on his mind. So I change the subject and I get my whitefish and my bagels and that's that. End of story. This was -- what? -- a couple of weeks ago. Then last Saturday, I get a call from him. He never calls me, Bernie, but here he's calling, and on a weekend. You want to know the truth, he doesn't sound so good. He says he isn't moving down to Washington after all. He wants me to help him unpack some boxes. No problem. Posted 12/17/04.
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Rick Horowitz
