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Pachyderm in peril Thinning the HerdBy Rick Horowitz
"Good evening! Won't you please be seated? Yes, that's lovely -- thank you. My name is Claremont Pascagoula IV, and on behalf of the Smithsonian's Museum of Natural Politics, let me extend a hearty welcome to one and all. We're quite -- " "Did they move the airplanes?" "Wrong museum -- sorry. Where were we? Ah, yes: a hearty welcome. We're delighted to have you all with us this evening, as we continue our exploration of the strange and wondrous rituals to be found in the political-animal kingdom. What we'll be -- " "How about the First Ladies' dresses?" "Afraid not. Anyway, assuming the rest of you are here because you intend to be here, let's begin. Consider, please, the elephant. A majestic creature, and altogether fascinating. Now -- " "Donkeys are better." "Perhaps, madam, we can look at donkeys in one of our upcoming lectures. For this evening, however, we might wish to concentrate on the subject at hand, and that is the elephant -- found across the nation, with the greatest concentrations, as you might expect, in interior regions, in rural and suburban areas, and of course, throughout the South." "Didn't used to be. The South used to be donkey country." "Quite true, madam -- but again, somewhat beyond our topic for tonight, which is...?" "Elephant burial grounds." "Thank you. For generations, naturalists here at the Smithsonian have wondered about elephants at the end of life -- how they know their time is up, where they live out their final days, how authority within the herd is transferred, and so on. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are in luck. We have the opportunity to observe this process as it happens, and right here in Washington." "Elephant Trent?" "Someone's been reading the papers! How many of you have been following the saga of Elephant Trent? Excellent! Then you know that Elephant Trent, a very significant elephant in the Washington herd for many years, has quite unexpectedly found himself battling for his very survival. Who can tell us what type of behavior first got him into this predicament?" "He made a noise." "True. But not simply a noise -- an embarrassing noise. A noise that threatened to limit the continued expansion of the herd into promising new feeding areas. Yes?" "But don't all the elephants make that noise?" "Actually, no. Many elephants think about making that noise, or even hint about making that noise, but very few of them actually come right out with it. That was the key difference, as well as the first sign that Elephant Trent was -- to put it in human terms -- losing his grip." "So they stomped him to death?" "Oh, they've been far more subtle than that -- that's what's so fascinating. This one here -- let me focus it -- is Elephant George, the leader of the herd. Elephant George issued one long bleat of displeasure with Elephant Trent -- and then not another sound for days!" "But that gave the others permission to charge him." "Which is exactly what they did. Elephant Don, for instance, charged that Elephant Trent had been 'weakened,' which is elephant-speak for 'I want to replace him.' And notice how all these other elephants start charging him, too, though most of them do it from behind heavy brush. If Elephant Trent were somehow to survive -- well, elephant vengeance is not a pretty sight." "But then Elephant George insists?" "Actually, he remains silent! His spokeselephant keeps saying that Elephant George doesn't think that Elephant Trent has to go, but he refuses to say that Elephant George supports him, either. Meanwhile, Elephant Colin and Elephant Jeb start charging, too, which -- " "-- they'd never do without Elephant George's approval." "Exactly! It's quite an intricate dance, you see, designed to thin the herd without casting Elephant George as the heavy. So to speak. And now, let me -- yes, you in the back." "Is this where they have the poisonous snakes?" "Close enough." Posted 12/19/02.
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Rick Horowitz
