Hits for the Holidays!

Dot-Com, All Ye Faithful...

By Rick Horowitz

And welcome back to another "Ho-Ho-Horowitz Christmas," with musical assistance from the OK Chorale! You know, as we get ready for this new millennium everyone's talking about, some things are very different -- and some things are just the way they've always been...

O, here they come New Hampshiring
Upon your TV screen,
They're kissing lots of babies,
And gargling Listerine.
Bush, McCain, Bauer, too,
Forbes and Hatch and Keyes for you,
There's no rest, there's no letup, till the magic day is here,
Then you'll vote -- and they'll all just disappear.

The Democrats, meanwhile, are working just as frantically as those Republicans are! In fact, I'm thinking particularly of one hard-driving, hard-hitting Vice President...

Experts he consults on high,
Guiding him in each detail,
Earth tones please Naomi's eye,
Now our boy's an Alpha male!
Go-o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-o-ri-a,
Albert's on his way-oh,
Go-o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-o-ri-a,
Bradley's gonna pay-ay-oh.

It's all pretty exciting, but the race that may be attracting the most attention these days isn't for the White House -- it's for one little Senate seat, in one Empire State...

Rudolph the Giuliani,
Doesn't talk in "dese" and "dose,"
But if you run against him,
Be prepared to take some blows.
Hillary says she's ready --
Wanna bet she'll pop her cork?
How did they get such losers,
On the sidewalks of New York?

And speaking of losers, how about all those counterintelligence "experts" in Washington, DC?

"Do you hear what I hear?"
Said the bug in the State Department wall.
"Do you hear what I hear?
A voice! A voice! Speaking loud and clear,
It will bring the Kremlin good cheer,
It will bring the Kremlin good cheer."

But there are also plenty of winners these days. Don't believe me? Well, forget about spies and politics for a moment, and tune in to that amazing new TV phenomenon...

Just one question e-ve-ry-where:
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
Winning, losing,
Regis oozing,
Ratings beyond compare...there:
Don't you blunder,
Don't get tight,
Stay composed
And get it right,
Riches nearing,
Crowds are cheering,
Greed is good -- don't die of fright.

Of course, that's not the only way to make a quick million...

The weather outside is sunny,
But inside, we're thinking "Money,"
There's only one way to go:
IPO! IPO! IPO!
Our company may be failing,
But instead of gloom and wailing,
We're gonna rake in the dough:
IPO! IPO! IPO!

But tell me, what good is all that loot if you don't have time to enjoy it?

The world could end on New Year's Day,
With Y2K, with Y2K,
The world could end on New Year's Day,
We've all had plenty of warning.
Be well equipped or blow away,
It's Y2K, it's Y2K,
Get on your knees and start to pray,
You should have heeded the warning.

Computers! And how about that global economy? It's got some people pretty darned upset...

Frosty Seattle
Wasn't ready for the mobs,
So they lost their cool
When the marchers came
Raising Cain about their jobs. Frosty Seattle
Couldn't keep the crowds in line,
So they tossed their gas
And they fired their guns
And their Chief said, "I resign!"

For many people, though, this new interconnected world of ours is hard to resist -- in fact, that's the biggest difference of all in this holiday season! So let's send you off with a special e-commerce Mini-Medley...

O this dot-com,
O that dot-com,
We hear your ads a-calling,
A new dot-com,
Areyou dot-com?
The dominoes are falling.
You can't compete without a site,
Your profits vanish overnight,
O this dot-com,
O that dot-com,
It's really quite appalling...

And then there's...

Dot-com, all ye faithful,
Toyful and indulgent,
O spend ye, O spend ye
To obli-i-vion...

And last but not least, let's not forget...

Cyber nights,
Megabytes,
All is dot-com,
Sheer delights.
Click your urges,
Let them run wild,
Let your checkbook go
Unreconciled,
Deep, we're getting in de-eep,
Living online isn't cheap!

Happy High-Volume Holidays, everyone!

Posted 12/19/99. Shop for your holiday laughs right here at "Rick's"! (Fresh stuff right here all year long.)

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator and public speaker

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©1999 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.