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The urge to surge It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like DubyaBy Rick Horowitz "Gather 'round, kiddies -- Grampa's ready to tell you a Christmas story!" "Yay! Yay!" "Grampa, can you tell the one about Santa Claus and the PlayStation?" "Elmo!" "PlayStation!" "Elmo!" "She's on my foot!" "Now, settle down, everyone -- Grampa gets to pick which story he's going to tell. I think -- let's see now -- I've got it. What if I told you about the time they almost broke Christmas?"
"That's silly, Grampa -- you can't break Christmas!" "No you can't, child, but I can tell you how they came pretty close one time." "'Once upon a time...'" "That's right -- 'Once upon a time.' Once upon a time, a very long time ago -- " "In a galaxy far, far away?" "Different story, child. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, Santa Claus was up at the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas. He was making his list -- " "And checking it twice!" "That's right -- and checking it twice. It was a list of all the good boys and girls who were going to be getting presents for Christmas. It was a very long list, because lots of boys and girls had been very good that year, just like you are. They listened to their mommies and daddies, and they even laughed at their Grampas' silly jokes." "They had Grampas back then?" "Yes they did -- even back then. So anyway, it was going to be a very busy Christmas for Santa, making presents for all the good boys and girls and then visiting all their houses to make sure they each got the right presents. It's a lot of work." "That's why Santa has helpers!" "Exactly! Santa had all his helpers with him up at the North Pole to make sure everything got done in time for Christmas. Except that this one particular year, Santa figured he didn't need so many helpers." "He fired them?!" "Well, he didn't quite fire them -- he just decided not to use them all, so some of them just sat there and twiddled their thumbs. And the others tried to do all the work." "He's the decider." "That's right -- he's the decider. Only this particular Santa was kind of a new Santa, so people were always giving him advice, and some of it wasn't very good advice." "Like firing the helpers?" "Grampa just said he didn't fire them! He just -- " "That's OK, child. It was as if he had fired them, because he wasn't using them. Some of the people who were telling Santa what to do told him he could do just as well -- in fact, even better -- without so many helpers. But then one day, there he was up at the North Pole, and it was December and almost Christmas time, and Santa looked around and what did he see?" "PlayStation!" "He saw lots of presents that hadn't been finished yet, and lots more that hadn't been wrapped, and even more that didn't have addresses on them. So he called together his helpers, and he said, 'Look here, it's almost Christmas Eve and we're falling behind! We're not losing, but we're not winning either. So nobody goes home or takes a nap or even eats until we're done with everything!'" "Weren't they tired?" "They were exhausted! They didn't get any days off the way they were supposed to. And every time they thought they were finished and they could get a little rest, Santa gave them something else to do." "What about the ones with the thumbs?" "Well, see, Santa finally remembered them, just like you did. He tried to get all the ones who'd been twiddling their thumbs all year to come back to work. He made a big announcement, and he said, 'I need a surge of elves!'" "What's a surge?" "It's a lot. Like a bazillion elves -- right, Grampa?" "Something like that. And he said 'I need a surge of reindeer, too!' to deliver all those presents so close to Christmas. But here's the sad thing: By the time Santa realized he didn't have enough elves to do the job, or enough reindeer, it was too late!" "It was January!" "Well, it wasn't quite January -- but there still wasn't enough time to do everything before Christmas. So only some of the good boys and girls got their Christmas presents that year. And the others were very, very disappointed." "They should have fired Santa." "Well, there really wasn't any -- " "Fire Santa!" "Fire Santa!!" "Fire Santa!!!" Posted 12/22/06.
Click to Rick for the holidays, and all through the year!
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Rick Horowitz
