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Efficiency expert He's Sorry. Next!By Rick Horowitz
"I have seen
the anguish in his -- or heard the anguish in his voice and seen his eyes
when we talk about, you know, the danger in Iraq..." The
president, defending his defense secretary
Dear Sir or Madam: It is my sad duty to inform you that your [son/daughter/brother/sister/husband/wife], [insert name], has been killed in the line of duty in Iraq. No words of mine can possibly soften the pain you feel at this moment over losing [insert name]. That the news of this loss comes to you at the holiday season only makes it that much more difficult to accept. Know, however, that Your Loved One died in a noble cause, while serving [freedom/liberty/democracy/all of the above]. From reports we have received from Your Loved One's commanding officers, it appears that [he/she] was killed by an [IED/RPG/suicide bomber/other] while in or near [insert location]. This was just one of several such attacks launched recently by [outside terrorists/Baathist "dead-enders"/Shiite radicals/somebody else -- does it really matter?] Though every attempt was made to treat [his/her] wounds, those efforts were ultimately unsuccessful. For this, I am terribly sorry. Your Loved One's service in Iraq was [conducted honorably/extended constantly/concluded suddenly], and [his/her] colleagues know what a valuable member of the team [he/she] always was. Realize, too, that life is filled with risks, whether serving one's country or simply driving to the grocery store. In the past year alone, for instance, more than [insert round number] people died in traffic accidents in [insert deceased's home state]. So [he/she] could just as easily have been hit by a [car/minivan/tractor-trailer]; I hope this provides some consolation. Besides, [he/she] was a volunteer. Your Loved One's presence in Iraq, along with that of thousands of other brave Americans, has really made [a difference/a statement/a blood stain]. Because of their efforts, the vast majority of the Iraqi people are now on the path to [democracy/bomb shelters]. While our opponents continue to operate in certain areas of that country, they know the tide is running against them. As President Bush's chief of staff said just the other day, "They're attacking, but they're not attacking all of the people all of the time." That's what we call progress! [Insert nickname] just happened to be in [the wrong place at the right time/the right place at the wrong time]. Anyhow, war is [hell/nasty business/Dick Cheney's idea]. By the way, please forgive certain standardized features of this letter, but various labor-saving measures have recently become necessary, especially after it became widely known that my earlier condolence letters had been signed by an "auto-pen" rather than with my own personal signature. Let me assure you that this particular issue was [fully considered/promptly addressed/much ado about nothing]; I had simply been trying to keep up with the ever-increasing volume of condolence mail without [missing vital strategy sessions/feeling especially responsible/getting writer's cramp]. But if Your Loved One's death is made even slightly [less painful/more palatable/both] by an actual signature at the bottom of this page, then needless to say, I am [happy/willing/ordered by the president] to provide it. In closing, let me once again extend my [strongest/deepest/fastest] regrets to you and your family on the tragic loss of [insert name]. [He/She] was truly one of a kind. Sincerely, Posted 12/23/04.
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Rick Horowitz
