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Osama, overlooked Where's the Respect?By Rick Horowitz Another tape, another transcript... Osama bin Laden: In the first instance, those who gaze upon the tiger and the lamb will, by nature, bow to the tiger, consigning the lamb to the slaughter. For these efforts, as has been said previously, we are amply rewarded in the richness of time. Who wants decaf? Unidentified Sheik: May Allah be blessed. This will be spoken of -- just a smidge -- in all lands, among believers and those who seek the assurance of faith. Unidentified Man Off Camera: Praise Allah, whose righteousness overwhelms even in times of difficulty. There is information now which you await with eagerness, which nonetheless agitates the heart to share at moments of celebration: Time has selected its "Person of the Year." Sheik: We can [inaudible] the tiger's great might, as the prophets have stated. Your glorious deeds have now spread to all places. Man Off Camera: It's Giuliani. Bin Laden: Praise Allah, who recognizes the worth of humorous exchanges when friends gather, although in such a matter, strong is the man who hears this joke and can still smile. Man Off Camera: It's no joke, Jack -- it's Giuliani. Bin Laden: This information is beyond imagining. We calculated in advance the number of contenders for this honor, and [inaudible] virtues, and due to my experience in the field of self-promotion, I was the most optimistic of them all. There is no way, Allah be praised, that Rudy Giuliani beats me out of this. Sheik: My soul weeps at the injustice. In recent weeks I have had a dream which appeared to foretell the honor fully expected and deserved by you. I saw in this dream your face in a photograph, which was very large and sent all around the world, demonstrating once again how much is your presence desired, and even in the choice of the single word which accompanied this photograph: "Wanted." Bin Laden: I have had similar dreams. Sheik: Tell me, would this magazine of America offer such honors to one who delivered holy retribution to its own shores? Bin Laden: I have had occasion to study the requirements, and can recite them for you as they were handed down in former years: "the person or persons who most affected the news of our lives, for good or ill." For good or ill. They gave this honor to Hitler, and to Stalin, and also even to Khomeini. Sheik: Then truly there can be no other choice but you, may Allah be blessed. Are not this Giuliani's deeds only reactions and pale reflections of your own? Bin Laden: I made the guy! Without me, he's a total nothingburger! Sheik: This is my point exactly. Had you not set in motion the martyrdom operations of divine inspiration, this man would be merely a particle of dust in the breeze. Was explanation offered for this grave insult? Man Off Camera: Those who decide say Osama of blessed vision was "too small a man" to get credit for all that has happened in America in these months. Sheik: But you're 6'4" if you're an inch. Surely you [inaudible]. Man Off Camera: And also they called you a "garden-variety terrorist." Bin Laden: You see any gardens around here? Yet they resort to personal invective to disguise their envy at my accomplishments. Still, their insults cause me no damage, for as I have written, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never harm me." Sheik: This is wise, and true in all generations. Bin Laden: There is one response I now must make to impress upon all who have joined in this travesty the terrible error of their ways. Sheik: And this is? Bin Laden: I'm canceling my subscription. Sheik: Allah be praised. Posted 12/24/01.
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Rick Horowitz
