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A do-over? Batteries Not IncludedBy Rick Horowitz
"...and a big hug to all your kids, OK? Next customer, please, just step up and -- my goodness, you're -- why, you're..." "Howdy." "You're..." "Good to be home." "Mr. President! What an honor to have you shopping with us! I hope you had a Merry Christmas?" "Real good, thanks. Is this the Return Desk?" "We certainly are, sir. How can we -- ?" "I need to return this." "Boy, it's big, isn't it? Well, let's just take a look at -- oh." "Problem?" "Well, it's a year. You're returning a whole year." "And...?" "It's 2005. It says so right here on the label, see? '2005.' We generally have a 30-day return policy on -- do you happen to have the receipt?" "Nope. I didn't buy it -- it was from the American people." "Wasn't that considerate of them!" "A mandate." "How nice for you! And was there, perhaps, a gift receipt anywhere?" "A gift receipt?" "Just so we could make sure that -- oh." "What now?" "Well, I'm afraid it's been used." "Of course it's been used! How else would I know it doesn't work unless I used it? The 'Democracy in Iraq' part -- I can get that to run most of the time. And the tax cuts." "But not the rest of it?" "I tried for months to get this Social Security part moving -- nothing. The remote control for Congress? Hasn't worked in weeks. Supreme Court nominees? Up and down. And don't even get me started about disaster relief!" "And you're sure you followed all the instructions?" "Of course I followed all the instructions! The thing's defective, plain and simple -- I need a new one." "But, Mr. President, it looks like -- forgive me -- but it looks like it's all been used quite often." "Every day. Except when I'm vacation, of course." "Of course. But see over here, where the packaging is damaged? And around over here? The manager's pretty strict about -- anyway, I'm afraid we'd have to charge you full price on the '2006.'" "I don't want the '2006.' I mean, I want it, but not yet -- mid-term election years, you can't do half the stuff you want to do anyway." "So..." "And then after that, you're down to your last two years and everyone's treating you like a lame duck, so you're lucky if you can get anything done!" "Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as -- " "No -- before I get a '2006,' I want a '2005' that works like it's supposed to." "I wish I could help you, Mr. President -- you know I do. But..." "But what?" "It's like it says here on the wall: The one thing we can't return is time." "Silliest rule I ever heard of." "It's not just our rule, Mr. President." Posted 12/27/05.
Enjoy Rick's gifts all year long! (Have you told your friends?)
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Rick Horowitz
