Operators Are Standing By

By Rick Horowitz

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" -- so just pick up the phone and give us a call. I'm Bill Clinton, and this is Day 14 of our 'Stop Saddam' Winter Pledge Drive. The number again is 1-800-BOP-IRAQ -- that's 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. And while you're going to the phones, we've got a real treat for you this morning -- we're joined by the Secretary of State herself, Madeleine Albright. Welcome to Pledge Central, Madeleine."

"A pleasure to be here, Mr. President. A real pleasure."

"Now, as many of our listeners know, you and Bill Cohen have been flying all over the place trying to line up support for military action against Iraq."

"If diplomacy fails, Mr. President."

"Of course -- 'if diplomacy fails.' We don't want to forget that. So tell our listeners, Madeleine, how's it going?"

"I'd say it's going pretty well, Mr. President. It's very clear the world stands united behind the idea that Saddam Hussein has to live up to his international commitments. That means no Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and full and unrestricted access to all suspected weapons sites."

"And if Iraq continues to resist?"

"Well, Mr. President, that's where the military option comes into play -- and that's why it's so important that our listeners pledge their support at 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. You know, it takes a broad coalition to put on the kind of successful operations people have come to expect from us -- "

"Which reminds me, Madeleine: Our first dozen callers this morning will receive as a special premium this wonderful video, 'The Gulf War's Greatest Hits.' It's a marvelous little memento, and our way of saying thanks. Now, I know we've already received pledges from our good friends in Britain and Canada."

"And Australia, too, Mr. President."

"True enough. But we still haven't heard from the Russians and the French. We still haven't heard from most of the Gulf. And we've got plenty of lines open for all their calls at 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. That's 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. Why don't we bring Bill Cohen in here, too -- Bill's been manning the switchboard for us this morning, and I think he's got some new pledges to report. Bill?"

"Thanks, Mr. President -- the phones are really starting to come alive. We've now got Bahrain in our corner, and you know what a major force in the region Bahrain is. We've got Kuwait. We've got a wonderful pledge here from the Sultan of Oman. He says he really admires our democratic way of life, and he's letting us base five air-refueling tankers on his territory."

"Excellent!"

"And the United Arab Emirates say they're willing to have American cargo planes land on their territory."

"Combat planes, too?"

"Afraid not, Mr. President, although they do say it's OK if combat planes use their airspace."

"Well, that's better than nothing. Any word, by the way, from our good friends the Saudis? We really pulled their fat out of the fire last time, didn't we?"

"We certainly did, Mr. President, and I'm sure they'll want to express their gratitude at 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. I can tell you we've received a number of anonymous pledges this morning. These are some very high-power listeners who don't want their names used, but they're with us all the way, whatever we want to do."

"As long as they don't have to say so publicly."

"Exactly."

"Well, whatever it takes to -- "

"Mr. President?"

"Madeleine? Another big pledge on the line?"

"Almost as big as Bahrain, Mr. President -- a Mr. Herman Stinglehoff from Dipstick, Colorado. Mr. Stinglehoff and his wife, Blanche, want you to know they're with you one hundred percent, and if you need to land any combat planes in their backyard, just give them time to move the lawn furniture out of the way."

"Great! Every little bit counts here at 1-800-BOP-IRAQ. That's 1-800 -- "

"They also wonder if you still have any of those 'Three Tenors' CDs around. They really -- "

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2/13/98