Skating On Thin Ice?

By Rick Horowitz

I say we chalk it up to Olympic fever. The excitement and the pageantry get to you (or maybe it's the sushi), and you suddenly find yourself in the middle of Nagano, cameras and microphones on all sides, saying things you haven't really thought through. Perfectly understandable.

Besides, no one had more reason to be excited, to get carried away with the moment, than they did -- those newly crowned Greats on Skates, the U.S. women's hockey team!

But wouldn't they like to reconsider their itinerary?

After all, this was in the first flush of victory just the other night, after they'd knocked off their bitter rivals, the Canadians, to grab the first-ever women's gold in Olympic hockey history. They were bubbling over with plans and dreams for the next few weeks. Maybe they weren't thinking clearly.

There was the team vacation on Maui, already scheduled and a perfect chance to unwind. No problem there.

How about their picture on a Wheaties box? It's only a hope, one of them explained -- but it makes perfect sense; they're champions, aren't they? If it happens, great.

And naturally they'll be going to the White House to meet the president.

RRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!!!

That sound you hear is the National Fiasco-Meter blowing a gasket. And that dull, thumpy noise in the background? That's the sound of the country's entire population of stand-up comics, punch-line spinners and similarly nasty-minded types (journalists, for instance) falling to their knees and giving thanks. Bill Clinton Meets the Women's Hockey Team? There is a God!

"That's 'hockey,' Mr. President, not 'hickey.'"

"Close enough -- send 'em in!"

There are times in the column-writing business when the situation calls for calm reflection and sober analysis, when cheap shots and smarmy innuendo are totally out of place. Luckily, this isn't one of those times. Let the games begin!

"He shoots! He scores!!"

I mean, can't you just see the pictures? (Forget the pictures -- can't you just see the captions?) This particular president, who can't seem to keep his alleged hands off the alleged bodies of various alleged women, standing there grinning in the Rose Garden, surrounded by an entire squadful of young, athletic, taut, trim --

Not that he's picky.

No -- this is a bad idea. A horrible idea. It's a horrible idea even if the White House invites all the other American medal winners to come along, even the guy winners. Even if the White House invites them all to bring their parents as chaperones. (Hey, he's not proud -- he can hit on the mothers, too.)

It's a totally terrible idea -- but the White House is probably thinking it doesn't have a choice. By now it's a tradition: You win a medal, you meet the president. If they break the tradition, the president looks impolite. They certainly don't want the president to look impolite, right? So they'll settle for him looking sleazy.

But what about the hockey players? They can't back out either -- it would look conceited -- but will they get through the thing with their reputations intact?

Absolutely. If they have to do it, they'll get through it just fine, as long as they keep together at all times, keep their pads on and their skate blades nice and sharp.

And, of course, as long as they remember the wise words of another American president: "Speak softly and carry a big -- "

You're ahead of me.

2/23/98