Next Time? A Gold Rush!

By Rick Horowitz

So: Was it good for you?

The Olympics, I mean. Were you into it, despite all the weather delays and the time-zone differences, the endless commercials and the endless commercials?

You bet you were. And didn't your heart beat just a little faster, your chest swell with hometown pride, whenever they played "The Star Spangled Banner" and raised Old Glory to the rafters?

Which happened about as often as Jim Nantz got down and funky in CBS's Temple of Yawns.

Six gold medals for the U.S. of A. Thirteen medals overall. That ain't peanuts -- in fact, it's exactly the same number of medals the kids in Lycra carried home from Lillehammer four years ago. On the other hand...

On the other hand, the carpers and whiners keep pointing out that a significant chunk of those medals -- precisely half of the half-dozen golds, for instance -- came in a handful of relatively new events that seem ever-so-slightly...bogus.

Men's aerials, for instance: "U.S. wins gold!"

Men's moguls: "U.S. wins gold!"

Women's aerials: "U.S. wins gold!"

Olympic sports? Or fraternity games?

We invented them, the whiners say. We're the only ones who care about them. We get them included in the Olympics. And then we dominate them.

Anybody have a problem with that?

It's all about ratings, isn't it? About keeping that great big American audience glued to the tube. And frankly, watching one more Norwegian (or even the same Norwegian) win one more cross-country skiing event isn't going to do it for most folks. We want young. We want fun. We want what we're good at.

So get ready for some more new events in Salt Lake City:

* Once upon a time, sensible people schussed down a mountain with two feet on two skis. Then came snowboarding, and suddenly snow dudes were doing it with two feet on one ski. The next logical step? Tripodding -- two feet and one hand on one ski. It hasn't been invented yet (I think), but who cares? Judge it for speed and style points, and remember: Those kids have never been closer to the slopes!

* If the Super-G is good, the Titanic-G should be even better, yes? America's biggest box-office smash provides the perfect inspiration, as high-speed skiers can try to weave their way down the hill -- not past flimsy little flagpoles, but past massive icebergs. This one will give "straight to the bottom" a whole new meaning.

* Nobody in America remembers what's in the biathlon. When they do remember, they don't give a hoot. Who can blame them? As a duo of useful skills in today's world, cross-country and marksmanship just don't cut it. I say it's time for a Modern Biathlon -- road salting and speed dialing, for instance, or Frappuccino making and spandex repair.

* Some athletes are better in a venue. Some are better with a menu. The Pub Crawl -- 500, 1000 and 1500 meters -- will give certain energetic night owls a chance to earn their gold by doing what comes naturally. A great opportunity for the Red, White and Bleary-Eyed.

* The Nagano games were missing something, people on the scene kept saying: overcommercialization. Why not bring back some of what made the Atlanta games so colorful? And why not improve on that sell-it spirit with Corporate Moguls? Medals for the biggest, loudest, most obtrusive luxury boxes and hospitality suites -- nobody does it the way we do.

* The two-man bob and the four-man bob are good as far as they go, but if we really want to grab American viewers, what we need in 2002 is the "Hi, Bob!" Start giving medals to athletes who can fight off those G forces and deliver dialogue snippets from old Bob Newhart episodes, and the "Nick at Nite" crowd will send the ratings right through the roof. And finally:

* If you can't make a lasting impression on the Olympics, what's the point? The Dorm of Doom was only a demonstration sport in Nagano, but a few of our more "professional" athletes showed the world the possibilities. I see separate events in furniture, bicycle and fire-extinguisher tossing -- for distance and for accuracy -- as well as the short-track sprint before the cops show up.

This could be very big.

2/24/98