To Viktor Go the Spoils? (Not Yet.)

By Rick Horowitz

"...so then the apparatchik says to the reformer, 'Blini, schmini! Can't I get a lousy vodka around this -- ' Ah, Boris Nikolayevich! Welcome back! It is so good to see you!"

"It is good to be seen. Bring me Chernomyrdin."

"Certainly, Mr. President. And you are feeling once again well?"

"I am feeling perfectly well. Bring me Chernomyrdin. Now."

"Certainly, Mr. President."

"And after him, Chubais."

"Certainly, Mr. President. May I only say on behalf of all who work in the Kremlin how relieved we are feeling to see you once more restored to good health and -- "

"Now."

"Precisely, Mr. President. I am leaving right this moment to -- but here already is Chernomyrdin. He must have heard of your arrival. Come right in, sir, he is expecting you."

"Boris Nikolayevich, you are back."

"Viktor Stepanovich, it is true."

"Then I am grateful to the doctors who have cared for you. And you are feeling well?"

"I am feeling better than ever."

"Excellent!"

"Like a new man."

"Splendid!"

"Ready for new beginnings."

"Outstanding!"

"You are fired."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Are your ears clogged, Viktor Stepanovich? You are fired. Dismissed. You are no longer my prime minister. Also Chubais is no longer my first deputy prime minister. Also the rest of my Cabinet."

"Also fired?"

"Now your ears are again working. Also fired."

"But why, Boris Nikolayevich? Did we not maintain stability in your absence? Did you not see us on your television as you recuperated, standing in for you?"

"That is all I saw on my television, Viktor Stepanovich. I could not watch my television without seeing you standing in for me. And always competently, Viktor Stepanovich. Always so the announcers would say, 'What a fine job this Viktor Stepanovich is doing. The people of Russia are not missing the leadership of Boris Nikolayevich even little bits.'"

"All I have done, Boris Nikolayevich, I have done as your representative. You were noticing perhaps my meetings with Gore -- was I not vigorous in stating your own positions?"

"'Vigorous' compared to Gore? I can say this about furniture."

"But were they not your positions nonetheless?"

"You seek to distract me with your questions, Viktor Stepanovich. No, this I have decided -- you are out. Everyone is out."

"You have absolutely the right to decide such things, Boris Nikolayevich."

"It is good that you still remember this."

"But is it the wisest path? That is truly the question."

"Trust me, Viktor Stepanovich, it is all for the best. There is now ample time for you to concentrate on our presidential elections, to make sure that the outcome in 2000 is a favorable one."

"But Boris Nikolayevich, I have made no firm decision even to be a candidate in such elections."

"Viktor Stepanovich, who said anything about you being a candidate?"

"Boris Nikolayevich!"

"You have heard perhaps the famous Russian slogan 'Four More Years!'?"

3/24/98