Tuning In, Keeping Up

By Rick Horowitz

It's the top of the hour at the top of the dial -- do you know where your headlines are? They're right here!

After bitter debate and lengthy negotiations, the United Nations Security Council has unanimously declared that any further Iraqi attempt to obstruct UN weapons inspectors will be met with bitter debate and lengthy negotiations.

Faced with a steady stream of documents showing that they tracked the smoking habits of children as young as 12, tobacco-industry executives on trial in Minnesota this week continued to insist that it was never their "policy" to target underage smokers. "It was more of a hobby," explained one industry witness. "Like stalking."

Speaking of kids: There was more troubling news on the education front, with the release of a new report showing that American high-school students finished 15th out of 21 countries in an international test of mathematics skills. But some were less concerned about the results than others. Said one high-school senior, "Well, at least we were in the top half."

It was a kinder, gentler Bill Gates who appeared this week before the Senate Judiciary Committee, which was looking into complaints that Microsoft's business practices threaten to stifle innovation in the computer industry. Gates especially enjoyed debating technical matters with committee member Strom Thurmond, who was born before the Wright Brothers flew their first airplane, and he even offered to replace Thurmond's operating system free of charge. Asked what kind of computer Thurmond now uses, Gates replied, "Who said anything about a computer?"

Elsewhere on Capitol Hill, the House approved by a one-vote margin a bill allowing Puerto Rico to hold a special referendum to decide its own future. If the Senate goes along, the island's residents will have three options: statehood, independence, or a rewrite of "West Side Story."

An international team of astronomers now suspects that, contrary to the Big Bang theory, the galaxies in the universe are not slowing down, but are speeding up and moving away from each other more quickly all the time. If that's true, they say, the universe could expand forever, just like Kenneth Starr's Whitewater investigation.

Speaking of which: A clarification today from White House press secretary Mike McCurry -- President Clinton apparently misspoke himself in the early days of the Monica Lewinsky matter. When he said to reporters, "more rather than less, sooner rather than later," Mr. Clinton was not referring to his plans to release additional details about the scandal. Rather, McCurry explains, the president thought he'd been asked to name his favorite kind of sexual activity.

Continuing his campaign to make New York City a more pleasant place to live and to visit, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani proposed today that anyone caught insulting New York be prosecuted under a new food-libel law he'll be offering soon. Said the mayor, "It's the Big Apple, isn't it?"

New York -- specifically Radio City Music Hall -- was also the site of recent milestones for music legends Bob Dylan, John Fogerty and James Taylor. They all won coveted Grammy Awards, which came with Grammy's traditional gifts: a gold statuette and free enrollment in AARP.

Turning now to sports: To the surprise of many, an arbitrator has ruled that NBA All-Star Latrell Sprewell, suspended by the league and released by the Golden State Warriors last December after a violent confrontation with his coach, should be reinstated and paid the more than $16 million remaining on his contract. Explained arbitrator John Feerick, "Lots of athletes choke under pressure."

And finally, Olympic medal winners aren't the only ones cleaning up in the celebrity endorsement game. FTD florists have announced that University of Connecticut hoop star Nykesha Sales will be their new corporate spokeswoman. FTD's latest product? Mothers Day gift baskets.

That's news. That's now. That's it.

3/6/98