Attention, Shoppers...

By Rick Horowitz

You know how this one goes. You know how this one goes before you even hear it all. I merely have to utter a few simple words:

"Supermarket."

"Express Checkout Lane."

And you've got the picture, right? Right.

You don't know the half of it. The half, that is, that was left bleeding in the parking lot. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Actually, it wasn't quite a head, it was --

Say hello to Vickie Lemons, grocery shopper. On a recent Wednesday evening, the papers say, Vickie Lemons, 27, stepped inside Kohl's Food Store right here in Milwaukee to pick up a few things. Some meat. Some soda. Some other things.

How many other things? A few other things, says Vickie's fiance. More than 10 things total? Yes, says Vickie's fiance. (You know how this one goes.) When she was done gathering her goods, Vickie Lemons moved toward the front of the store, where --

We interrupt this tale of urban intrigue and adventure to bring you a rare opportunity for low-rent philosophizing. Let the big thinkers puzzle over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin; we've got bigger fish sticks to fry.

The question is: How many items can you push through a 10-item Express Lane? Does a six-pack of beer count as one item? Or six? Mushrooms, three cans for a dollar -- three items? Or one? How about grapes?

Relationships have crashed and burned over just such weighty issues. Neighbor has turned against neighbor, friend against friend. Then there are your total strangers, standing one cart behind you and keeping track.

Say hello to Etharine Pettigrew, 41, another shopper in the very same store. For the sake of convenience -- and to keep us out of Lawsuit Land -- you'll want to insert the word "allegedly" into every sentence that comes after this one, especially the ones that contain Etharine Pettigrew's name. Do we have a deal? (Allegedly.)

Anyway: When last we saw Vickie Lemons, she was moving toward the front of the store with a number of items in her possession. A number greater than 10, however you count them -- even her fiance concedes that. And then a clerk in the Express Lane, a clerk with no one else in her Express Lane, waved Vickie Lemons over. Vickie Lemons, who had more than 10 items.

This did not go down well with Etharine Pettigrew.

Etharine Pettigrew followed Vickie Lemons into the Express Lane, where she apparently complained vigorously about this blatant breach of supermarket etiquette.

Etharine Pettigrew "took umbrage," the police captain reported after order had been restored. "Umbrage" wasn't all she took. She also took off -- after Vickie Lemons, following her from the store to the parking lot. And she also took out -- a pocketknife. Which, police say, she used on Vickie Lemons as follows: She cut off part of Vickie's nose.

That's right -- Vickie Lemons was in an Express Lane she probably shouldn't have been in, and Etharine Pettigrew made her pay through the nose for her transgression. Literally. Allegedly.

After that? About what you'd expect. There was surgery for Vickie Lemons to reassemble her face, and there was a reckless endangerment charge for Etharine Pettigrew, who's looking at a maximum sentence of two years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

You know how this one goes. You've been in Express Lanes yourself; you know how you feel when you think someone's bending the rules. It was only a matter of time before somebody somewhere exploded.

If Etharine Pettigrew did what they say she did, she shouldn't have done it anyhow, no matter what the provocation. She probably knows that now: Even when life drives you crazy, you have to stay calm.

Just don't ask her to count to 10.

4/21/98