That's Why They Call Him "Speaker"

By Rick Horowitz

"Sir, if you'll just follow me, we'll -- "

"I can find it myself -- you think I've never been to a doctor's office before? Not that I need to be in a doctor's office, mind you. I'm just doing this to keep some of my people off my back. You get five minutes of my time, and then I'm -- "

"Here we are, sir. Doctor, this is Mr. Gingrich. Mr. Gingrich, this is the doctor."

"It is an honor, Mr. Gingrich. I am hearing you all the way down the hall -- you are perhaps uncertain about coming to see a speech therapist?"

"I just think it's silly, that's all. It's like I told your nurse, I'm only doing this to keep some of the guys in the caucus happy. Even they don't think it's anything serious -- they just figure it's something I should get looked at."

"As a precaution."

"Exactly."

"Well, these are also important, precautions. Your referral mentions recent episodes suggesting chronic podiatric orificia."

"Which means...?"

"You keep putting your foot in your mouth. But this is only speculation -- we shall begin with a few simple diagnostic exercises. I say a word, and you say the opposite. Understood?"

"Understood."

"Then we begin. Up."

"Down."

"Black."

"White."

"In."

"Out."

"Good."

"Liberal."

"'Liberal'?"

"Very liberal."

"This is quite interesting, this response. We shall try another exercise. 'There was a little girl -- '"

"' -- and she had a little curl...'"

"Excellent! You have heard of this one. 'There was a little girl and she had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad, she was...'"

"'Big government.'"

"Pardon me?"

"'When she was bad, she was big government.' Also 'big bureaucracy.'"

"You are aware, Mr. Gingrich, that these are not standard responses?"

"They work for me."

"I understand. And you have used at times, have you not, these very same characterizations -- 'very liberal,' 'big government,' 'big bureaucracy' -- even in reference to your fellow Republicans? I have in mind here a certain Mr. McCain of Arizona? And certain legislation concerning tobacco companies?"

"If the shoe fits, Doc. I speak my mind."

"And your use of these particular terms?"

"As natural as breathing, Doc. You don't like something, you call it 'liberal.' You call it 'big government.' Puts it in a whole different light, you know?"

"And if on occasion this makes you, and also your party, look...silly? Or even insensitive? I am told you are lately attempting to soften personally your image."

"Not if it means I can't say 'liberal' whenever I want to! Or 'big government'! Or 'bureaucracy'! What's the fun of that?"

"I see. Well, you understand, of course, that this attitude makes treatment extremely difficult."

"That's not my problem. Besides, time's up -- I have to get back to the Hill."

"You will come again next week, the same time? There is one other symptom I wish to discuss with you."

"And that is?"

"This sudden compulsion to defend cartoon camels. There are several new therapies..."

4/24/98