The Face Is Familiar

By Rick Horowitz

New Newt was apologizing for Old Newt when he turned a Capitol corner and ran smack into Even Newer Newt. This was hardly what he had in mind.

"Get lost," said New Newt to Even Newer Newt. "Can't you see I'm busy?" But Even Newer Newt held his ground. He wasn't the kind to turn tail and run at the first hostile word. He just smirked.

"So what's new?" said Even Newer Newt to New Newt. "Plugging that book of yours?"

So he's already heard about the book, New Newt thought to himself. Nothing to worry about. He'll just explain what he's doing, explain how busy he is, and keep moving. But Even Newer Newt had the corridor blocked. He had the book in his hand.

"`Lessons Learned the Hard Way,'" read Even Newer Newt from the cover. "Very nice. Very -- what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Humble?"

"Something like that. Nice picture, too -- casual's always a nice touch. Have you lost some weight?"

He glanced at the book, then back at New Newt, then back at the book again. "Definitely lost some weight. Old Newt was a fat boy."

New Newt squirmed. He hated it when people criticized Old Newt. He was doing it himself, of course. He was spending page after page in his new book doing it. But that was different. That was about surviving, about moving up in the world. Old Newt couldn't be elected president in a million years. But New Newt? A kinder, gentler Newt? It was a possibility, at least.

Even Newer Newt was talking again.

"He made pretty much of a hash of it, Old Newt did. At least the way you tell it." Even Newer Newt was turning the pages. "The budget fights. The shutdown. Air Force One. And don't forget the whole ethics thing."

How could he forget the whole ethics thing? That was the other reason New Newt was writing the book: to earn enough royalties to pay off the fines for his ethics violations. Not his ethics violations, New Newt reminded himself -- Old Newt's ethics violations. It was hard sometimes, keeping it all straight.

Even Newer Newt was talking again.

"This thing about Old Newt's enormous ego? And his hardball tactics? And how Old Newt didn't pay attention to what his people were saying? You've given all that up, have you?"

New Newt looked around him. If only somebody would come down the hall and rescue him from this...this nightmare. But there was nobody there. He swallowed hard and answered.

"I've given all that up."

"Perfect!" shouted Even Newer Newt. "'Cause if you're not using it, I've got my own plans for it. In fact, I even gave a little demonstration the other night, if you get my drift."

New Newt knew exactly what Even Newer Newt was talking about.

"I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about," he said.

"Campaign finance reform," said Even Newer Newt. "I stuck it to 'em good, didn't I? Old Newt would've been proud of me."

"I -- he would have been proud of you," New Newt admitted. "But I can't have it, not any more. You go running around acting like Old Newt, people are going to blame it all on me!"

"And this is my problem how?"

New Newt could feel the beads of sweat running down his back. When he spoke next, his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Look," he said, "I've got things to do. Important things. If you don't get out of my way right this minute, I'm going to kick your butt from here to next Thursday. Do you understand me?"

"Now you're talking!" said Even Newer Newt. "That's the Newt I remember!" And he stepped aside with a wave of his arm.

New Newt moved quickly down the hall, and looked back over his shoulder.

"I'm going places," he said. "I don't want to see you again." Even Newer Newt smiled a pinched little smile.

"I'm with you all the way."

4/5/98