You'd Have to Say They Bombed

By Rick Horowitz

Deep in a lair in Langley...

"You wanted to see me, Chief?"

"Come in, Ridgely. Have a seat."

"Sure thing, Chief -- what's up?"

"I was hoping you'd be able to tell me, Ridgely. Your assignment is..."

"IntOpsIndSubcont, sir."

"And in English?"

"We're CIA, Chief -- we never speak English."

"Humor me."

"Sure thing. 'Intelligence Operations, Indian Subcontinent.'"

"Exactly. And being in charge of intelligence operations on the Indian subcontinent, naturally you'd be on top of any kind of...activities going on there that might be of interest to us."

"Absolutely, Chief."

"So if something significant were happening over there, or even looked like it might be happening..."

"We'd jump on it. Electronic surveillance, HumInt, SatellInt -- we like to say we can spot a wart on the Buddha's nose from 100 miles up!"

"I'm sure that's very useful, Ridgely. But what about bigger things?"

"Bigger than warts?"

"Exactly. You boys in IntOpsIndSubcont wouldn't overlook any really big things, would you?"

"I'm not sure I get your drift, sir."

"Nuclear, Ridgely! India just went nuclear! First time in 24 years, and we didn't know a thing about it!"

"Oops."

"'Oops'?! A country with a billion people and enemies on all sides sets off three nuclear devices, then two more nuclear devices, and all you can say is 'Oops'?!"

"You know, we were wondering what all that commotion was about. In the desert? Near Pakistan? I guess they were getting ready to do it."

"We're not paying you to 'guess,' Ridgely -- we're paying you to know! Do you know how we found out what they were up to and why? Their Prime Minister sent Clinton a letter."

"Well, that was very polite of -- "

"A letter, Ridgely! After the first three tests, they sent us a letter! That's not spying -- that's pen pals!"

"I'm really sorry about -- "

"Not good enough, Ridgely. Now I want you to think hard: Was there anything you missed? Were there any clues you might have ignored?"

"Well, there was one thing a couple of months ago that was kind of odd..."

"What was that?"

"Well, during their election campaign, the Hindu nationalists kept saying that to be a great power, India had to be a nuclear power."

"They said that?"

"Pretty much."

"And then they took over the government."

"Pretty much."

"And now they've gone and done exactly what they said they'd do."

"I guess you could look at it that way. But heck, Chief, if we have to start believing everything politicians say, we'll never -- "

"Tell me, Ridgely, how would you feel about a new assignment?"

"Actually, Chief, I kind of like it where I -- "

"Effective immediately, consider yourself transferred from IntOpsIndSubcont to OutJobUnemploy."

"I don't think I've ever heard of -- "

"You're in Intelligence, Ridgely. Figure it out."

5/15/98