Syndicated columnist Rick Horowitz has a brush with greatness -- or maybe it's a comb.

Speaking Off the Top of His Head

By Rick Horowitz

Lott condemns homosexuality.

Thank goodness for Trent Lott -- that's all I can say. Let other politicians pussyfoot around the most important topics of our time. We deserve more than that from our Senate Majority Leader, and we're certainly getting it.

I'm not even talking about the way he stuck the knife to the anti-smoking bill the other day; legislative snookery goes with the territory for guys in his position. (His position being bended knee, palms outstretched to lobbyists.) I'm talking about something that happened just before that.

By taping an appearance on that Armstrong Williams TV show and saying exactly what was on his mind with the cameras rolling, Trent Lott has pointed the white-hot spotlight where it needs to be pointed, and he's gotten the country focused on an issue that's been hidden in the shadows far too long.

I'm talking, of course, about the tragedy of slicked-down hair.

There's something positively immoral about a grown man like Trent Lott walking around in public with a head that looks like it's been dipped in two coats of shellac. This isn't a conclusion I've come to in haste, I can assure you. I've had my eye on Trent Lott for a long time now -- on the evening news programs and the Sunday morning talk shows, on the Senate floor and on the White House lawn -- and I've yet to see him with a single hair out of place, ever. God's own breezes can't muss him. God's own raindrops can't rumple him.

It's unnatural!

Some people have problems with alcohol. Other people have a sex addiction. Other people are kleptomaniacs. I'd put slicked-down hair in that same category. It's not just a simple lifestyle choice; it's an affront to all we hold sacred in this rough-and-tumble land of ours.

I'd be happy to read you all the biblical verses that support my position on this question, just as soon as I come up with them. I'm sure they're in there, and I'm sure they'll make it plain as day: Slicked-down hair is a sin. In the meantime, though, I certainly do remember hearing the message on the family television thousands of times during my formative years: "The wethead is dead." Could the Lord have been any clearer?

Now, I'm not saying we should mistreat slicked-down people, or treat them as outcasts, no matter how disgusting we might find their behavior. We need to love them and show them the error of their perfectly coiffed ways. We need to work with them to help them learn to control their problem (a little styling gel?), even if there's still no way to cure them.

At the same time, though, there's absolutely nothing that says we have to stand by and accept the slicked-down lifestyle as normal, or as something we'd want our own children to emulate. Even homosexuals do what they do behind closed doors -- but slicked-down people like Trent Lott are right out there in the open, flaunting it!

It's time to say no. It's time to stand up for the things we believe in -- the frizz, the wisp, the cowlick. I can remain silent no longer.

And believe me, I'd be speaking out even if this weren't an election year.

Posted 6/19/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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