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Moses gets a promotion. Award-winning national columnist Rick Horowitz goes positively biblical!

The Book of Chuck

By Rick Horowitz

AND it came to pass in those modern days that the people were sore beset, and the Lord called out from the heavens, saying, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses lifted his eyes and spoke unto Him saying, "Here I am." And he went about in his fields.

Then the Lord spoke unto this man, saying, "Thou art not truly a Moses." And the man said unto the Lord, "But I played one in Hollywood." And the Lord was vexed with him.

For seven days and seven nights, the Lord remained hidden from the man. Then on the eighth day, He spoke once again unto him. "All the world have I searched for the Moses who in times past did receive from Me righteous counsel and steadfast love in equal portion, yet I cannot find him, nor the smallest trace of him. Likewise the angels, who have scoured the earth in vain on My behalf."

Then the man lifted his arms to the heavens and spoke again unto the Lord, saying, "Moses doesn't live here anymore -- call me Chuck."

NOW the Lord appeared within a fiery bush and took the measure of the man, in which effort the man was well accustomed, owing to his time among the directors. Then the man did speak again unto the Lord, saying, "Find me acceptable to You, O my rock and my redeemer, and lacking a Moses, Your Moses I shall be."

And his words were considered by the Lord, who answered from within the fiery bush, saying unto him, "You are an out-of-work actor!"

At this judgment the man did clench his fists and also his jaw, and he said unto the Lord, "I am between projects," and was himself sorely vexed. In the passage of time, however, he considered again the Lord's words and a smile came unto him, whereupon he said unto the Lord, "Then You have gazed upon my works?"

And the Lord, who is all-seeing but also merciful, bit His tongue. And they walked together.

ON the tenth day, word was brought to the man by messengers from the tribe of NRA, and he called out to the Lord, saying, "I am surely worthy to lead Your people, for now I have been chosen to lead my people." And the Lord replied, saying unto him, "Are you kidding? Those gun nuts?" For the Lord also had messengers, and He looked upon the word they brought Him with dismay.

"Those who have chosen you," said the Lord unto the man, "bow down before the firearm and the ammo clip, notwithstanding my expectations, which I have placed before you, saying, 'Thou shalt not make yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down to them or serve them.' This was my second commandment to you."

Then the man was seized with great joy, saying unto the Lord, "And don't forget the part about 'the right to bear arms'!" And the Lord said unto the man, "Second commandment, pea brain -- not second amendment." And the man was silent.

THERE came a time in the fullness of days when the man attempted anew to win the favor of the Lord, saying unto Him, "Shall I not serve You now, when in my youth I parted the Red Sea and brought Your chosen people out from Egypt, and within sight of The Promised Land?"

Then the Lord again considered the man and his words, and He gave them careful consideration. And then He spoke unto the man with rigor. "Thou hast confused the real and the imagined. It is well to raise your arms and split the seas, but know the truth of your accomplishments, which are as smoke, as words on a page."

"I am the Master of Special Effects," said the Lord, "now and forevermore."

At this, the man was pained in his heart. Yet he spoke again unto the Lord, saying, "All that You have said is true, Lord who made the heavens and the earth, yet there is no other who strides through smoke with greater style, or reads words on a page with a deeper voice, than I. Among my people I am called a great megaphone, and also I have distinguished hair. Am I not a Moses for our time?"

The Lord considered yet again all the man had said to Him, and that he had spoken frankly and without falsehood. And the Lord spoke once more unto him, saying, "Don't call Us. We'll call you."

And the man lived out his years at gun shows.

Posted 6/9/98

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator and public speaker.

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