There's nothing like election season to get those moral juices flowing.

The Grand Old Party Throws a Grand Old Bash

By Rick Horowitz

The story we must have missed...

WASHINGTON, A LITTLE WHILE AGO -- Republican congressional leaders reported today that a small but significant number of American men are having sexual relationships with other men, and they vowed to condemn such practices as "sinful" and "godless" for at least the next four months.

The GOP's announcement came as its special Who's Doing What With Whom Task Force wrapped up a year-long investigation into private behavior and public attitudes. The task force, assigned to peek through keyholes from coast to coast, delivered its final report to the Republican caucus earlier this week.

"We had no idea this kind of thing was going on," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.) at a Capitol Hill news conference this afternoon. "Otherwise we'd have started picking on these folks even sooner."

As it was, GOP leaders seemed eager to make up for lost time, comparing homosexuals to kleptomaniacs and alcoholics, and blaming homosexuals for the breakdown of families and the erosion of the country's moral authority.

Lott conceded that he and fellow Republicans had heard "rumors" of homosexual behavior in the past, "but we just couldn't believe it, it was so incredible." By contrast, Lott contended, the task-force findings provided indisputable evidence that same-sex relationships are now being conducted in many communities by men of all ages, races and backgrounds.

"Women, too," said Lott. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was to hear that."

While setting out an aggressive agenda of insults and criticism directed at gays and lesbians, Lott denied reports that the Republican decision to go on the attack had been made with an eye to this fall's congressional campaigns.

"When it comes to something as destructive to our nation as the gay life style," Lott declared, "we're willing to say what has to be said regardless of the short-term political benefits."

Other Republican leaders at the news conference echoed Lott's sentiments.

"It's not like we're bashing somebody in the majority," said Sen. Don Nickles (R-Okla.). "That would be totally different." Opinion polls continue to show that most Americans are uncomfortable with homosexual activities and oppose "preferential treatment" for gays.

"If those perverts think that real Americans want this stuff going on in their neighborhoods," warned House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-Tex.), "they must be living in Fairyland." An Armey spokesman later said his comments were "not meant to be offensive."

Political observers have recently suggested that the GOP has been searching for an issue to energize its most fervent supporters come November. Such religious-right stalwarts as Gary Bauer of the Family Research Council and Christian broadcaster James Dobson have raised the prospect of their followers staying home on Election Day unless the Republicans take a more assertive stance on so-called family-values questions; large-scale defections could put Republican control of the House of Representatives in jeopardy.

But Armey insisted that political calculations had played no role in the party's sudden decision to turn up the heat on homosexuals.

"The Bible is very clear on this," Armey explained. "Two guys doing it with each other is disgusting. Two buck-naked ladies doing it with each other is disgusting and a total waste of talent."

An Armey spokesman later said his comments were "not meant to be any more offensive than usual."

Posted 7/21/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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