They're on your side. They're on your side. They're on your side.

Many Happy Returns

By Rick Horowitz

Clinton signs bill creating "friendlier" IRS.

Ripped from the headlines.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

"Is this where I'm supposed to come for my audit? The letter said Room 121, come to Room 121."

"And that's exactly where you are -- good morning! I'm staff auditor Larson, and on behalf of all the newly rededicated employees of the Internal Revenue Service, I want to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to be with us this morning."

"Actually, I'm a little late -- I kind of overslept."

"No problem! These things happen. Now, you would be...?"

"Lindenwood. Harold T. Lindenwood. The letter said 9 a.m. sharp, Room 121."

"Not to worry, Mr. Lindenwood -- it just gave me some extra time to prepare for your visit. Care for a cookie?"

"A what?"

"A cookie. Made them myself while I was waiting. They're actually pretty good, if I do say so."

"I'm not really hungry right now, if you know what I mean."

"Perfectly understandable -- I won't force one on you. At the new IRS, we don't force anything on anyone. Should we get started then?"

"I guess. The letter said something about 'irregularities' in my return?"

"I'm afraid we did find one or two teensy-weensy things that have us a bit...confused, Mr. Lindenwood. We thought perhaps you could help us out. Right here, for instance, you say that you're the owner of the famous establishments known as Grease-E-Burgers."

"And founder."

"And founder -- very good."

"Sixty-three outlets in 41 states. 'Go for the flavor -- '"

"' -- stay for the fat.' Yes, I know. Very catchy. Anyway, you've got these 63 outlets in 41 states, we see your ads on TV all the time, and yet you're reporting your total income here as..."

"Three thousand, two hundred and seventeen dollars."

"On which you paid taxes of..."

"$1.86."

"Exactly. Does this strike you as odd, Mr. Lindenwood?"

"How do you mean 'odd'?"

"Well, frankly -- and we're not supposed to jump to conclusions at the new IRS -- it seems as if you might be underreporting your income just a tad."

"Lots of overhead. Salaries, bills, lard. It adds up."

"I see. So you really didn't turn nearly as big a profit as one might assume you did."

"Something like that."

"I see. Now, if one of my colleagues happened to read that you recently moved into a new 12-bedroom home over in Avarice Acres? Estimated cost $2.2 million?"

"That's in my wife's name, that place."

"And her occupation is...'housewife.' So where did she get all that money? If you don't mind my asking."

"Deposit bottles. She's very good at returning deposit bottles. Trust me -- we've got nothing."

"Of course you don't. Let me ask you this, Mr. Lindenwood -- and stop me if I'm out of line here, the new IRS isn't supposed to pry: You wouldn't happen to have any offshore accounts you're not telling us about?"

"You're absolutely right."

"So you do have offshore accounts."

"No, you're not supposed to pry. Look, is this going to take much longer? My car's at a meter."

"Your car's a Mercedes."

"You're prying again."

"Sorry -- don't know what got into me. Well, Mr. Lindenwood, we're sorry to have bothered you. I'm sure you're playing everything right by the book, and anyway, at the new IRS, we don't have a snowball's chance of proving otherwise."

"Glad to hear it. Can I go now?"

"Certainly! A couple of cookies for the road?"

Posted 7/24/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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