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"Who are you calling oversensitive?!"

Mea Culpa: One Size Fits All

By Rick Horowitz

To Whom It May Concern:

We are writing in response to your recent letter/phone call/protest march concerning the recent story/commentary/cartoon/joke you saw in your newspaper/TV program/magazine/vision. Because of the volume of comments we receive on a daily basis, we regret that we are unable to offer you a more personal reply, but we want you to know we value hearing from every one of our loyal readers/viewers.

We are, of course, extremely sorry to learn that the story/commentary/cartoon/joke in question caused you intense embarrassment/severe discomfort/hives. That was certainly not our intention. We are committed to providing only the highest quality of news/analysis/entertainment/other, and we regret that, with respect to the particular item in question, our talented and dedicated staff somehow failed to meet your needs/your expectations/your train.

In doing the work we do, we realize that we have to appeal to a wide range of readers/viewers with very different levels of knowledge/interest/glucose/ammunition. A free and open discussion/debate/cafeteria has always been one of our central goals, one we pursue with every waking hour/minute/employee.

Naturally, different people often have quite different reactions to things they see or hear. What one reader/viewer might find highly amusing/insulting/offensive, another might find highly offensive/insulting/amusing. The right to hold and express different opinions is what makes _________________ great! So I certainly hope you'll take a moment to reconsider your position/boycott/firebomb/kidnap note.

Of course our writers/actors/cartoonists sometimes do exaggerate -- in a medium such as ours, it goes with the territory; it's also part of what makes them so effective/so funny/so-so. But in no way did they intend, in the specific incident you describe, to offend any members of your religious group/ethnic group/racial group/investment club/other.

Besides, many people have a body part/dialect/flag/rap sheet much like yours -- there's certainly no reason to assume we were singling out you and your fellow _________________s for criticism, let alone ridicule. For all you know, we were really going after the _________________s! (And just between us, don't they deserve it?)

Nonetheless, we have passed along your concerns to all of our writers/actors/cartoonists/lawyers. They assure me that they have taken your comments to heart/to bed/to the authorities. In the meantime, all of us recommit ourselves to earning your trust/a good living/frequent-flyer miles. And as a further sign of how seriously we take your comments, we are pleased to tell you that we plan to establish immediately a brand-new scholarship fund/reparation account/bulletproof lobby.

We trust you have found this letter responsive to your concerns. Needless to say, if you have further problems/additional questions/the brains God gave a turnip, you'll be in touch with us again.

Until then, good reading/good viewing/good grief!

Sincerely,

The Management

Posted 8/11/98. Like what you see? Tell your friends!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator and public speaker.