You wouldn't call them highlights, but...

A Little Bit Slutty, A Little Bit Nutty

By Rick Horowitz

You say you've got better things to do with your life than wading through hundreds of pages of presidential muck? Of course you do -- but I don't. Checking out low deeds in high places is all part of the job. These are a few of my favorite things:

So That's What They Call It. "'One night she brought me some pizza. We had some remarks.'"

Not to Mention a Regular Wife... "'I didn't know if this was sort of developing into some kind of a longer-term relationship than what I thought it initially might have been, that maybe he had some regular girlfriend who was furloughed.'"

What a Scamp! "According to Ms. Lewinsky, when the President reached past her at the rope line to shake hands with another guest, she reached out and touched his crotch in a 'playful' fashion."

A Grasp of the Obvious. "The President initiated the oral sex by unzipping his pants and exposing his genitals. Ms. Lewinsky understood the President's actions to be a sign that he wanted her to perform oral sex on him."

He's a Happening Guy. "In [Betty Currie's] words: '[H]e was spending a lot of time with a 24-year-old young lady. I know he has said that young people keep him involved in what's happening in the world...'"

She's a Well-Rounded Gal. "Ms. Lewinsky said she enclosed in the packet a pair of sunglasses and 'a lot of things in a little envelope,' including some jokes, a card, and a postcard....The postcard featured a 'very erotic' Egon Schiele painting. Ms. Lewinsky also enclosed a note with her thoughts on education reform."

Can't Anyone Take a Joke? "According to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President had a lengthy conversation that day....If ever questioned, she should say that the two of them were just friends. If anyone ever asked about their phone sex, she should say that they knew their calls were being monitored all along, and the phone sex was just a put-on."

It's Nice to Know He Has Standards. "She informed him that Newsweek was working on an article about Kathleen Willey, a former White House volunteer who claimed that the President had sexually harassed her during a private meeting in the Oval Office....The President responded that the harassment allegation was ludicrous, because he would never approach a small-breasted woman like Ms. Willey."

How Many Lawyers Can Dance on the Head of a Pin? "Ms. Currie explained that she did not consider the President and Ms. Lewinsky to be 'alone' on such occasions because she was at her desk outside the Oval Office; accordingly, they were all together in the same 'general area.' Ms. Currie testified that 'the President, for all intents and purposes, is never alone. There's always somebody around him.'"

Who Needs a Resume? "Ms. Lewinsky said she wanted two things from the President. The first was contrition....The second was a job, one that she could obtain without much effort: 'I don't want to have to work for this position...I just want it to be given to me.'"

You Can Imagine the Ad Campaign "She also showed him an e-mail describing the effect of chewing Altoid mints before performing oral sex. Ms. Lewinsky was chewing Altoids at the time..."

Civics 101 "Mr. Jordan recalled a similar conversation in which Ms. Lewinsky complained that the President did not see her enough....He testified that he felt the need to remind Ms. Lewinsky that the President is the 'leader of the free world' and has competing obligations."

"O.J. Simpson, Call Your Office..." "The chance that the semen is not the President's is one in 7.87 trillion."

A Simple "Yes" or "No" Will Suffice. "'A. You are free to infer that my testimony is that I did not have sexual relations, as I understood this term to be defined.'"

Posted 9/15/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

Search the Web Search Rick's!