Just take his word for it.

There's a Perfectly Simple Explanation

By Rick Horowitz

"OK, people, let's settle down, let's everybody find a seat, OK? Fine. First of all, I want to welcome you to Rhetoric 101 -- 'English as a Clinton Language.' I think we've got a really -- "

"Go ahead then."

"Excuse me?"

"Go ahead and welcome us."

"He just did, you dork!"

"Did not -- he only said he 'wants' to welcome us. He didn't actually do it."

"Excellent! Your name, son?"

"Morton, sir."

"Extra credit for you, Mr. Morton. I must say, class, Mr. Morton has gotten into the spirit of the thing right from the start, and I expect the rest of you will be doing likewise before very long. As you know, the whole point of 'English as a Clinton Language' is to give you the verbal skills you need to succeed in any setting, no matter how treacherous it may appear. Now -- "

"Is this on the final?"

"No, it is not on the final."

"Solid! I hate memorizing all this -- "

"But it will be on the final."

"But you just said -- "

"You asked if it 'is' on the final, and as the president himself has so memorably pointed out, that all depends on what your definition of 'is' is. Since I haven't even written the final yet, nothing 'is' on the final, and my answer is technically accurate."

"Cool!"

"Anyway, speaking of the president, I assume by now you've all sat through the video I assigned and maybe even skimmed the transcript -- who wants to read aloud what I've just put on the board?"

"'I didn't lie under oath.'"

"Thank you. It's a statement you've heard in many variations over the past few weeks, and it's an excellent place to start polishing our skills. Who wants to take a crack at defending it?"

"When he says, 'I,' like who does he really mean?"

"And you are..."

"Ivy."

"Explain, Ivy."

"Everyone has lots of different facets. So even if one part of him was like lying, some other part of him that wasn't lying can swear that 'I' didn't lie, and that would be like true. Something like that?"

"Very nice. Does everybody see that? Just think of it as a kind of multiple-personality disorder, but on a presidential level. Now, who wants to try 'didn't'? In the back? Your name?"

"Hathaway. When you break down 'didn't,' you get 'did' and 'not' -- it's an internal contradiction! How can you say somebody intentionally misled somebody when the word itself is so totally ambiguous?"

"Good work, Hathaway. This is a perfectly acceptable, perfectly Clintonian way to wriggle out of a tight spot: 'The words I'm using are just too confusing.' Next?"

"Well, he did kind of lie, didn't he?"

"What's the name of the course, people? 'English as a Clinton Language.' You have to be ready to think outside the box. Anyone? Anyone other than Morton?"

"But I've got it, sir -- it's the chair!"

"Spell it out for them, Morton."

"The whole time he was talking to the grand jury, he was sitting in a chair. So he was 'sitting' -- he was never 'lying'!"

"Excellent! Now you're thinking the way a president thinks!"

"And it's the same with 'under oath'! He may have been 'across the room from oath,' or he may even have been 'right next to oath.' But unless those prosecutors were hanging from the ceiling, he was never really 'under oath'!"

"Which means...?"

"Which means that even if they somehow get him on lying, he can still say that technically speaking, he was telling the truth."

"And technically speaking is all that matters, people. When you're using 'English as a Clinton Language,' just the tiniest shred of plausibility, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, is good enough. Can everyone see that? Morton? Again?"

"And if he absolutely has to, he can always say he meant 'oaf,' not 'oath.' You know, like his dentures were loose or something. Kind of like a fallback position."

"Morton?"

"Sir?"

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

Posted 9/22/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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