If you can't say anything good about Bill Clinton...you've got plenty of company.

Life of the Party

By Rick Horowitz

You think it's bad now? Just wait. It's The Abandonment of Bill, and it's just getting started.

"Welcome back, Mr. President! And by the way, get lost."

All it took was one respected senator saying what everyone else was already thinking, and suddenly the Democ-rats are leaving the sinking ship. They used to point with pride. Now they view with alarm.

They're tossing adjectives. They're talking impeachment scenarios. They're "putting some distance" between themselves and the Big Guy. Amazing what a little pre-election terror can do to concentrate the mind.

And Billy Boy, it's just getting started. You'll know you're really in trouble when...

You go to a Washington fundraiser and everyone else on the dais has a paper bag over his head.

You go to a Washington fundraiser and they ask you to put a paper bag over your head.

You invite congressional Democrats to the White House for a legislative-strategy session and they insist on full immunity.

The Democratic Party of West Virginia holds a "Salute to Bill Clinton" at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft.

You notice that Democratic candidates in Missouri have started wearing rubber gloves when they shake your hand.

Socks agrees to testify.

You offer California's entire House delegation a free ride home on Air Force One and they tell you they're already booked on Greyhound.

The Democratic Party of Arizona invites you to do another photo-op at the Grand Canyon, only closer to the rim.

You notice that all the old bumper stickers in the White House parking lot now read "-Gore '96."

You clear space on your schedule for a campaign stop in Georgia, but the candidates announce they have to shampoo their hair that night.

By a unanimous vote of both houses of Congress, the White House grounds are officially designated a National Leper Colony.

The White House chef keeps seating you near the kitchen.

The Democratic Party of New York says it would love to have you attend a fundraiser in Manhattan, except that all the roads from all the airports are being repaired until Wednesday, November 4th.

Illinois Democrats invite you to spend a day at their carnival dunk tank.

Tipper Gore starts looking at fabric swatches.

Dick Gephardt introduces a bill to pay for construction of a temporary gallows.

You ask the Democratic Party of Texas what you can do to help them, and they tell you to endorse Republicans.

Your Cabinet changes the locks.

Buddy signs a book deal.

Pennsylvania Democrats insist that the Clinton name is still magic -- they ask you to send Chelsea.

Oregon Democrats insist that the Clinton name is still magic -- they ask you to make yourself disappear.

Pat Moynihan gives your name to Atlas Van Lines.

Al Gore starts humming "Hail to the Chief."

The Democratic National Committee proposes Jack Kevorkian as the new White House physician.

Posted 9/8/98. Fresh stuff right here twice weekly!

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