He Reads Her Loud and Clear

By Rick Horowitz

"I think the president understands where I stand."--Attorney General Janet Reno

"...so then he says to me, 'Tapes? Maybe she means "drapes"'! It was the funniest thing I ever -- "

"Excuse me, Mr. President, sorry to interrupt you. The Attorney General's here -- she'd like a minute with you."

"Right now? I'm supposed to see her at this Rose Garden thing in a little while. Can't she wait?"

"Apparently not, sir. She says it's important."

"It's always 'important.' Why doesn't she just put us out of our misery and jump off a tall -- building good relationships, that's what it's all about! C'mon in, General -- what a nice surprise!"

"Thank you, Mr. President. I figured as long as I was here for the police ceremony, I'd come visit for a second. That OK?"

"Perfectly fine, General. Perfectly fine. John, you guys want to excuse us here?"

"No problem, sir -- you call us if you need anything."

"Thanks. Nice guys. So."

"Mr. President."

"General."

"Mr. President."

"Janet."

"Sir."

"You want a cup of cof -- ?"

"NO!"

"Cough drops! You want a cup of cough drops?"

"Well, maybe just one. Thanks."

"I thought you might -- your voice sounds a little strained."

"Well, perhaps there is a strain, Mr. President. I think anytime somebody feels totally -- "

"Overworked? I know just what you mean, Janet. I mean, even here at the White House -- which, as you know, is my residence as well as my office -- it's hard to keep up with everything."

"Certainly."

"Even with the help of my highly professional but frequently incompetent staff, I never know -- "

"Mad."

"Excuse me?"

"About doughnuts -- I'm just mad about doughnuts, Mr. President. You think they'll have any doughnuts at the ceremony?"

"What's a police ceremony without doughnuts, right? Why don't I run over and check with -- "

"MAD!"

"Excuse me?"

"About pastry, too. You think there might be some pastry there? Turnovers, for instance?"

"Now, turnovers are something else again. I don't know anything about any turnovers."

"Turnovers are really important, Mr. President. Of course, when it comes to turnovers, timing is everything."

"Is that right?"

"Absolutely. The last thing you want is a late turnover. It just looks so bad for the chief -- chef! I meant 'chef.'"

"I knew you meant 'chef.' Why wouldn't you mean 'chef'?"

"'Hail to the Chef.'"

"'Hail to the Chef.' That's a good one."

"TOTALLY HUMILIATING!!"

"For the chef."

"Of course."

"So."

"Mr. President."

"General."

"Well, I guess we've covered everything. Going over to the Rose Garden?"

"Be there in just a bit, Janet. Now, you drop in any time -- my door is always open."

"Thank you, Mr. President. Bye."

"Bye. John?"

"You called?"

"Yeah -- what do I do about changing the locks around here?"

10/14/97