It's Not Just A Job -- It's An Order!

By Rick Horowitz

From the Baghdad Bugle...

The government of Iraq, recognized around the world for its military might and adherence to humane and democratic principles in all enterprises, is pleased to announce IMMEDIATE OPENINGS in its Citizen Deployment Division.

Specifically, your government is preparing for the Mother-in-Law of All Battles against the Great Satan of America, which seeks once again, and utterly without provocation, to rain death and destruction upon the innocent Iraqi people.

In contravention of all international norms, the Great Satan continues its attempt to subject our homeland to humiliating intrusions and inspections regarding essential national defense capabilities. In response, our exalted President, Saddam Hussein, has made plain that Iraq will never surrender to these outrageous demands.

Our exalted President has no fear of American military adventurism. Indeed, he dares the Great Satan to "hit me with your best shot," confident that he will prove victorious in any such encounter and emerge unscathed from his vast network of underground shelters no matter where the bombs and missiles may fall.

Nonetheless, our exalted President recognizes the potential inconvenience of widespread air strikes against critical installations. Accordingly, the Government seeks to deter such air strikes, using the most effective methods possible to appeal to the world's conscience, and thereby to restrain the Great Satan from further aggression.

The Government is now hiring thousands of patriotic Iraqi citizens to serve as HUMAN SHIELDS at military facilities, power plants and certain chemical and biological research sites throughout Iraq. Applicants for Human Shield positions should have the ability to wave their fists at incoming warheads, and to bleed profusely and photogenically when appropriate. Willingness to chant anti-American slogans as the bombs arrive is a plus.

The overall objective: To demonstrate America's callousness and total disregard for human life.

In all the world, only citizens of Iraq now have the chance to spend their days and nights just steps from vast storehouses of anthrax, smallpox, botulinum toxin and nerve gas. (Others, be assured, will have their chance to meet these poisons soon enough.) Expertise in the production, storage or concealment of weapons of mass destruction is not required of Human Shields. They also serve who merely sit and wait.

The Human Shield program is poised for explosive growth -- this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to leave a mark and make an impression. Salary is negotiable. Retirement benefits are irrelevant.

Our exalted President is confident that all citizens will be eager to participate in this crucial endeavor. Government recruiters will soon be knocking on your door with additional incentives.

11/18/97