Life Is Hard: Big Bucks on the Beach

By Rick Horowitz

We've got it all wrong, the rich guy says. It's exactly the opposite of what we've been thinking.

"The more money you give," the rich guy explains, "the less access you get, because they're afraid to do anything for you."

As it happens, the rich guy is offering his take on the world's heartless ways from the cushy sands of Amelia Island, Fla., where he and his wife are spending the weekend in the Presidential Presence, and spending $50,000 for the privilege.

Sounds like access to me.

They called it an "Autumn Weekend Retreat," this latest fun in the sun for the most opulent slice of the Democratic Party faithful. But what made the weekend so special, what separated it from the run-of-the-mill shill for donor dollars, was The Man himself. And not just The Man, but The Other Man, too: Bill Clinton and Al Gore, live and in person, all weekend long!

"Never before," said the people who keep track of such things. "Never before" had a sitting president and a sitting vice president sat for so long -- not just a drop-in, mind you, not just a dinner, but an actual weekend of high-roller stroking.

And it worked: When all the backs had been patted and all the hugs had been hugged, the DNC had nearly three million dollars it didn't have before. That still won't get them out of debt, but it sure beats walking the beach with a metal detector looking for loose change.

And like any great advance in civilization, the big question is: "Why didn't they think of this sooner?" I mean, Bill Clinton has been working that Renaissance Weekend circuit for years -- hundreds and hundreds of leading lights and wannabes forking over major bucks every New Year's Eve to improve their lives through seminars, sing-alongs and nonstop networking.

Since he's become president, though, Bill Clinton isn't just the chief schmoozer at Renaissance; he's the chief shmoozee! (Or is that the Shmoozee in Chief?) He's the big draw. Other people are paying through the nose to get close to him. But Clinton doesn't see a penny of it -- not even an appearance fee, which any self-respecting track meet would shell out in a minute for the guy who puts the bodies in the seats.

Clinton doesn't see any Renaissance money. Neither does his party. But -- and here's that spark of genius -- what if they threw their own mini-Renaissance? Get their own fancy island, Amelia instead of Hilton Head. Keep the crowd small, no more than a few dozen, so it feels even more exclusive. Set the admission fee high. Very high.

Just do it, just offer yourself up for intensive meet-and-greet, and if certain people with money to burn happen to think it might be useful (financially, psychically) to score some heavy-duty face time with the president -- well, everyone's a winner!

Maybe not everyone. The Republicans, for instance; they're outraged that the Democrats have taken Rent-a-Prez and Rent-a-Veep to such money-grubbing lengths. They wouldn't dream of doing such a thing -- not until the very moment they take back the White House themselves, that is, and have a president they can lease out for the weekend. In the meantime, they'll have to content themselves with raising millions by inviting big-ticket types to rub shoulders with their ever-accommodating congressional leaders.

And the rest of us? Maybe we're not winners either. I imagine we could try calling the White House, try telling the person who answers the phone that we'd like to spend the weekend with the president and the vice president. It can be some island paradise, or the White House, or even our house -- we're willing to be flexible.

After all, we read what the rich guy said: "The more money you give, the less access you get." So we should be getting plenty of access.

Or are we missing something?

11/8/97