Treats Him Like a Dog

By Rick Horowitz

Personally, I kind of liked "Barkansas."

It was different, even if it wasn't perfect. You name a dog "Barkansas" -- even a presidential dog -- and you're going to decide pretty quickly that the full name is a mouthful, a syllable or two too long for everyday use. So then you have to shorten it, have to come up with a nickname, which means that every time you want to get the dog's attention, you're yelling "Bark!" and every time the dog does something wrong, you're yelling "Bark!" and especially every time the dog won't shut up and you want him to shut up, you're yelling "Bark!"

This is not especially productive.

Which is why -- in addition to all the family factors and sentimental considerations the president mentioned the other day -- "Buddy" was probably the better choice for the First Labrador. "Louis," on the other hand, never had a chance.

Maybe some other chief exec would consider naming his latest pet after his current FBI director, but not this one, not right now. At the moment, in fact, the only place the prez wants to see Louis Freeh's name is on a one-way ticket out of town, and the sooner the better.

In 94(!) minutes of news conference -- more than an hour and a half of explanation and clarification, statement and restatement about nearly everything under the sun -- the Leader of the Free World somehow couldn't find a moment to slip the word "yes" into an answer about whether Louis Freeh has his "full confidence."

This, of course, was just a few days after the very same question was put (and put, and put) to the president's press secretary, Mike McCurry, who pretty much said the president has full confidence that Louis Freeh has a nice haircut and wears a necktie.

And now McCurry's boss was being equally enthusiastic. "I don't want to get into it," the prez replied. It wouldn't be very "fruitful."

In fact, he was much happier talking about Buddy -- and can you blame him? It wasn't Buddy who urged Janet Reno to appoint an independent counsel to look into shady White House fundraising practices. It wasn't Buddy who agreed to give Congress some of the details of that 22-page memo he sent to Reno on the subject. In fact, from where the president sits, Buddy's a whole lot more fun to have around than Louis:

Buddy loves being scratched behind his ears. Louis doesn't seem to like it at all.

Buddy shows his feelings by licking his master's face. Louis shows his feelings by hiring more investigators.

Buddy doesn't mind being kept on a short leash. Louis tends to chafe.

Buddy leaks on newspapers, which is understandable. Louis leaks to newspapers, which is unforgivable.

Louis won't roll over, and won't play dead. Buddy realizes it's all part of his job.

Throw Buddy a few bones from time to time and he's happy. Louis just doesn't see it that way.

If the president changes his mind about Buddy, he can get rid of him. If the president changes his mind about Louis, he's still stuck with him:Louis has a 10-year term, which is forever in politician-years.

Buddy's bark is worse than his bite. Nobody's quite sure about Louis's bite -- and the president doesn't want to find out.

All in all, it's as plain as the cold, wet nose on his face: Buddy is the dog. But Louis is in the doghouse.

12/19/97