Where Words Never Fail Them

By Rick Horowitz

Welcome to The House of Fine Distinctions -- we're glad to see you here, and we couldn't be happier to show you around. If you'll stick close together, please, we're ready to begin our tour.

As you know, The House of Fine Distinctions occupies an historic location in the heart of our Nation's Capital. Its famous South Portico looks out over the Washington Monument, while the North Portico offers a view of the independent counsel's office. Of course we try to keep the shades drawn on that side of the building whenever we can.

At The House of Fine Distinctions, our staff consists of hundreds of highly trained professionals, each with a particular area of expertise, and all of them with a common goal: keeping our President out of trouble. As you can imagine, that's a full-time job.

Here in the Grand Atrium -- you can ignore those smoke-blowing machines, they're simply decorative -- you'll notice the giant video screen, where you'll see a videotape loop of our President answering questions from reporters. The tape is endless, and the President's responses are seamless; I think that's a real tribute to the work we do here.

Now, directly ahead of you is a vital part of our operation, the Tonsorial Division; this is where hairs are split. If the President -- or anyone else in the administration -- ever needs to distinguish between something he might have said or done, and something he'd like to deny he's ever said or done, the Tonsorial Division is the place he'll turn first.

Did someone "solicit funds" while he was in his government office? Not really -- though once or twice, someone might have asked potential contributors to "help the party." Did someone "order the firing" of certain employees? Of course not -- though someone might have "expressed concerns" about why they still had jobs. Can everyone in the back see how this works? Good.

Certainly the Tonsorial Division can't split all these hairs by themselves, and that's where our Legal and Lexicological Divisions come in. Now, you may be surprised to hear this, but Legal isn't just responsible for knowing what the law is; it's just as important to know what the law isn't. In fact, Legal spends lots of time looking for things that haven't been ruled on yet. That way, our highest officials can do these things with an almost clear conscience, and if they're challenged, they can say that there's "no controlling legal authority" on the question.

And if somehow Legal can't find a nonexistent precedent? They come right here to Lexicological. You can see all these dictionaries and thesauruses all around us -- this is where our President gets precisely the wiggle word he needs for any conceivable situation.

That's how he can claim with a straight face, for instance, that there was never a "specific" price tag for lobbying him over coffee, or that he never changed a government policy "solely" because of a campaign contribution, or even that he's never "knowingly" permitted anyone to profit personally by trading on access to the White House.

Our people like to say they can make anything sound innocent if they get to choose the words to describe it.

Now the final stop on our -- LOOK OVER THERE! QUICK!

Did you look? Everybody does -- and that's exactly the kind of thing our Misdirection Division specializes in: deflecting people's attention. After all, why make our President wrestle with questions about "selling access" when he can shift the conversation to how "isolating" his job can be, and how hard it is to have "real contact" with people?

We were all very proud of our work on that one.

Well, we're nearly out of time -- I hope you'll come see us again. Words are our business here at The House of Fine Distinctions, so I'll leave you with the words we try to live by every day, words that our President has inscribed right above the door to his office:

"It's the Audacity, Stupid!"

3/11/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.