The Minutes Seem Like Hours

By Rick Horowitz

Respectfully submitted, the following is a summary of conversations occurring in Helsinki, Finland, between our esteemed President, Mr. Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin, and Mr. William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States of America, on matters of significance to all.

By previous arrangement of the delegations, the distinguished leaders commenced their discussions at dinner, in an informal atmosphere befitting their close relationship as leaders of the world's two most powerful nations.

Mr. Yeltsin welcomed Mr. Clinton to Helsinki, and expressed concern and also optimism over Mr. Clinton's recent injuries, with hopes for a complete and rapid recovery. "I know how it feels to be limited by one's physical condition," Mr. Yeltsin declared.

Mr. Clinton thanked Mr. Yeltsin for his expressions of concern, and likewise expressed great pleasure at the excellent health and renewed vigor of Boris Nikolayevich. Mr. Yeltsin further commented that while all observers expected to see "a sick Boris and a healthy Bill," the truth was "precisely the opposite: Here is a sick Bill and a healthy Boris. "

Mr. Yeltsin explained that he was only making a joke, which he was entitled to do as a "friend of Bill." Mr. Yeltsin said that he would never "take advantage" of Mr. Clinton's temporary weakness, because true friends do not attempt to exploit the misfortunes of one another.

"This is an important lesson for men," said Mr. Yeltsin, "and also for nations." In this connection, Mr. Yeltsin emphasized once again the opposition of the Russian people to any expansion of the NATO alliance into Central Europe, as has been proposed, and particularly to the stationing of nuclear weapons or NATO troops on the soil of any such new NATO members. Actions such as these, Mr. Yeltsin made clear, would be "deeply troubling."

Mr. Clinton assured Mr. Yeltsin that the Russian people's concerns would "certainly be a factor" in any decisions respecting NATO's future configuration.

"That and 100 rubles will get you a cup of coffee," Mr. Yeltsin replied, speaking in a figurative and colorful manner. The Russian people's concerns, he declared, should be more than a mere "factor." He called on Mr. Clinton to pledge that such provocative actions would never be undertaken by NATO. Mr. Clinton declined to make this pledge, although he said that the Russian people need not fear the United States. "They have my word on it," Mr. Clinton said.

After hearing Mr. Clinton's statement, Mr. Yeltsin laughed in a loud and vigorous manner, although upon questioning by Mr. Clinton, he explained that he had merely remembered the old story about the Russian peasant and the blini factory. Mr. Clinton displayed great skepticism, and insisted on further assurance that Mr. Yeltsin's laughter had not been directed at the value of Mr. Clinton's word.

To this demand, Mr. Yeltsin replied as follows: "Back off, Gimpy."

Mr. Clinton told Mr. Yeltsin that such a comment was unfortunate, and also derogatory to those who are handicapped people in both their countries. He also reminded Mr. Yeltsin that the United States had been led all during the Great Patriotic War by Mr. Franklin Roosevelt, who was himself in a wheelchair. Mr. Yeltsin, for his part, reminded Mr. Clinton that Mr. Franklin Roosevelt had had polio, and had not "fallen down a flight of stairs in the middle of the night."

Mr. Clinton replied that, in truth, he had only fallen down one step in the middle of the night, and moreover, when it came to falling down, Mr. Yeltsin was in no position to criticize. "Where are you hiding your vodka these days?" Mr. Clinton wished to know.

At this point in the conversation, Mr. Yeltsin attempted to kick Mr. Clinton in the knee, while Mr. Clinton attempted to roll his wheelchair over Mr. Yeltsin's chest.

By agreement of the delegations, the parties took a brief recess.

3/18/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.