Veep on Line One...

By Rick Horowitz

Five minutes later and I'd have been in with my board of directors, maybe I could've ducked it. The way it happened, though, I'm standing there right outside our conference room and my secretary says, "Ed, you've got a call. He says it's urgent. He says he's the Vice President."

"Of the United States?" I say.

"That's what he says," she says.

Of course I take the call -- how often does your average CEO get an"urgent" phone call from the Vice President of the United States? I tell the rest of the board they can start without me, and I get Sheila to put him through to my office.

"Ed?" the voice says (and I recognize it right away, it is the Vice President). "This is Al Gore -- how are you doing this morning?"

"I'm doing fine, Mr. Vice President." (I figure I should call him "Mr. Vice President," even if he's calling me "Ed.") "How are you doing?"

It turns out he's doing fine, too. Then he says something about the weather. Then he says something about baseball. Now, all this time I'm trying to figure out why the Vice President of the United States would be calling me, and the one thing I'm sure about is he's not calling to find out how I'm doing this morning, or to talk about the weather or baseball. So finally I just say to him, "Mr. Vice President, is there anything I can do for you?"

It turns out there is something I can do for him. I can give him money. Lots of money. Those Republicans, he says -- they've been raising all this money trying to take back the White House. If we want to stay "competitive," he says, we have to raise tons of money ourselves. And he tells me exactly how much money he'd like us to contribute.

There's no way we have that kind of money.

"There's no way we have that kind of money," I tell him. Normally, I'm not that blunt with people, especially not people at that level, but frankly, I'm a little shocked by the call. I don't figure Vice Presidents for putting the arm on people themselves; that's why staff people were invented. I'm not even sure it's legal, the Vice President sitting up there in his office asking for money, so I say to him, "Mr. Vice President, are you sure this is right?"

And he says to me, "I never do anything I think is wrong." Like that settles it.

"But what about the rules?" I say. "Aren't there statutes or something?"

And he says to me, "My counsel advises me that there is no controlling legal authority that says any of these activities violate any law." It sounds like he's reading from a piece of paper.

Anyway, I'm trying to get off the phone -- I just don't like the whole tone of the conversation -- and he starts telling me how important this election is, and how he appreciates my caution, and then suddenly he interrupts himself.

"Ed," he says, "you are in your office, aren't you?" (Of course I'm in my office, I'm thinking; isn't this where you called me?)

"I mean," he says, "you're not having your calls forwarded anywhere else, are you?" (Anywhere else?)

"I mean," he says, "you're not in a federal building or standing on any federal property, are you? The Post Office? An Army base? The Grand Canyon?" (What difference does that make?)

"I never ask anyone for money when they're standing on federal property," he says. "That just wouldn't be appropriate."

It's nice to know he's so meticulous about these things, I tell him; most people wouldn't notice that kind of distinction in a million years. He seems pleased to hear it.

"I never do anything I think is wrong," he says all over again.

I really think sarcasm is lost on politicians.

3/4/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.