Flapping of Jaws, Flapping of Arms

By Rick Horowitz

Well, don't they make a lovely couple! One of them grinning like he just slipped the noose, the other one smiling like your basic post-canarial feline. Happy together, the two of them, on the steps of the courthouse and the front page of the morning paper.

(When can we talk about Newt?)

"They" would be Kenneth Starr, of course, and his Starr witness, James McDougal. McDougal is grinning because he's looking at only three years in prison instead of 81 for his dozen-and-a-half felony convictions. Starr is smiling because -- or so he wants everyone to believe -- McDougal is spilling his guts about certain questionable transactions he entered into long ago, when the world was young and the governor of Arkansas was his good friend Bill Clinton.

(But I want to talk about Newt!)

His good friend and business partner Bill Clinton. But not anymore.

"I just got sick and tired of lying for the fellow, you know" -- that's the latest McDougal position on their rocky relationship. And this: "I think the Clintons are really sort of like tornadoes moving through people's lives." And this, about the possible effect of his testimony on the legal health of the president and his wife: "I think they should be deeply concerned."

Which, if they've got any sense over at 1600 Pennsylvania, is exactly what they are. This is the last thing they need: a friend scorned, with a list of grievances and a long (if shaky) memory. As if there weren't enough scandals and scandalettes breaking out already.

There's waiting for the other shoe to drop, and then there's living downstairs from Imelda Marcos....

So in the meantime (Yes!), can we talk about Newt?

His fellow congressional Republicans have lost faith in him -- or do you consider "roadkill" a term of endearment? Out in the country, he's got approval ratings a point or two below smallpox. So he's running here and he's running there, flapping his arms and trying desperately to get airborne. Conservatives don't like the capital gains tax? Abolish the capital gains tax! says Newt. Conservatives don't like the estate tax? Abolish the estate tax! says Newt. He'll be washing their cars next.

And just to keep busy, he's also trying to resurrect himself as: Newt the Righteous, Enforcer of Standards. Newt's the one suddenly leading the attack on the Democratic fundraising scandals. Newt was the one suddenly issuing dark threats against the Attorney General if she didn't agree to appoint another independent counsel to look into the mess.

Once upon a time, Newt stepped a bit softly where the president's ethical problems were concerned, and vice versa. (Professional courtesy? Honor among thieves?) But not anymore -- he's blasting away with both barrels, at the president and at anyone who might be protecting him.

"As a historian," Newt declared the other evening, "I do not see any possible way for the Attorney General to defend the decision not to have an independent counsel." Presumably he said "as a historian" because "as a scoundrel" wouldn't have had quite the same impact, though it would have been at least as accurate.

Given the twin towers of Newt's reputation -- ethically challenged, overly aggressive -- does it really make sense for him to be beating up on Janet Reno, a woman who, the public believes, simply reeks of rectitude? For him to be threatening to investigate her if she doesn't do exactly what he wants her to do? He may be desperate to get back in the spotlight, back in front of his troops, but that's just stupid.

Granted, here in the Age of Morris, the time lag between dishonor and the talk shows, between shame and fortune, is measured in milliseconds. Still, wouldn't it have been a nice touch if, before Newt started flapping his jaws about right and wrong, he had finally paid off that $300,000 fine of his?

Just a thought. Now back to our regularly scheduled scandal.

4/15/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.