There's a Crack in This Bureau

By Rick Horowitz

In society's never-ending struggle to track down the perpetrators of crime and bring them to justice, only a very few organizations ever rise above the pack. There is Scotland Yard, and then there is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Join us now as America's preeminent crime fighters bring to bear their vast array of analytical skills to make the world a safer place for everyone.

This is: "Today's FBI."

* * *

"Hey, Chief! You wanted to see me?"

"Special Agent Collins, come in, come in. We're getting some heat on this Dog Bone Bomber -- I keep telling them it's a complicated one, may take us a while to crack it."

"And they want everything yesterday."

"Exactly: signed, sealed and delivered. So, where do we stand? Do we have anything I can give them?"

"More than 'anything,' Chief -- I think we've got it locked up."

"Locked up?! Already?! But you just -- "

"We started looking, and all the pieces kind of fell into place. Take the dogs, for instance: We've decided that every one of the dogs this guy blew up was a beagle, just like we thought."

"Hair analysis was that conclusive, was it?"

"Pretty much. A couple could've been rottweiler hairs. Maybe chihuahua. But we know this guy was obsessed with beagles, so..."

"...beagles it is. Great work! Anything else?"

"Plenty, Chief. We've taken a good look around the blast site, tire-track inspection and all? We figure the guy was driving a mid-size sedan, four-door."

"The guy we arrested last week was driving a mid-size four-door!"

"And turquoise. Definitely turquoise, just like his. Now, you factor in the weight of the car, factor in a dozen beagles -- "

"A dozen beagles?"

"A good round number. Anyway, factor in a dozen beagles at, say, 22 pounds apiece, and you're looking at a guy 172, maybe 173 pounds, tops."

"Why, that's amazing! The guy we arrested last week is exactly 172 pounds!"

"So I hear. And I'd say 5-foot-10 -- you know, from the wear patterns on the floor mats."

"Whose floor mats?"

"The guy you arrested. From the wear patterns on his floor mats, I'd say he's 5-foot-10."

"We already know the guy we arrested is 5-foot-10. Are you saying the guy who blew up the beagles is 5 foot-10?"

"Sounds right to me. You OK with that?"

"Why not? Anything else?"

"The shirt. As soon as I finished collecting all those dog hairs, I ran right back to the lab to check this guy's shirt -- didn't even stop to change my gloves."

"And?"

"Dog hairs all over that thing."

"Sounds like a slam dunk."

"That's what we were thinking. We've also found absolutely nothing that rules out guys with hazel eyes, or big ears, or crooked teeth."

"Like this guy has."

"And it wouldn't surprise me if he even had a little mole on his chin right about..."

"...where this guy does."

"Exactly."

"You people are incredible! There is nobody in the world who can build a case the way you do."

"Just doing our job, Chief. After all, this is: 'Today's FBI.'"

4/18/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.