Maybe It's a Not-So-Bright Line

By Rick Horowitz

They're dropping like flies. First they're mating like rabbits, then they're dropping like flies. A few more months of this, and the Commander in Chief will be able to review his troops in a phone booth.

It turns out -- who'd have imagined? -- that the U.S. of A.'s vaunted military machine is made up of (gasp!) human parts. And you know how parts are; sometimes they get themselves lubricated in places they shouldn't be getting themselves lubricated. Suddenly, this is a problem. The hot lines are sizzling, and careers are going down in flames.

So what do you do, Mr. or Ms. Military Lifer, contemplating your not-quite-stainless past and speculating on your no-longer-certain future?

You take the test, that's what you do. The Adult-O-Rater Self-Administered Marital Fidelity Test will give you your first clinical evaluation of just how far you've strayed, and just how much it's likely to cost you. Sooner or later, the brass will be asking; you might as well be ready. Ready?

While serving in the Armed Forces of the United States, have you ever been unfaithful to your spouse?

A. Never.

B. Sometimes.

C. "Unfaithful" is such a subjective word, don't you think?

At the time of the incident(s) in question, what was the state of your marriage?

A. Blissful.

B. Separated, little chance of reconciliation.

C. North Dakota.

What was your primary motivation for entering into a relationship outside of marriage?

A. Spouse didn't understand me.

B. Career advancement.

C. Nothing else to do that night.

How recently did this relationship occur?

A. Ended long ago.

B. Ended not-so-long ago.

C. What day is this?

What was the status of the other party to the relationship?

A. In military, but not in chain of command.

B. In military, also in chain of command.

C. In chains whenever possible.

Was either party's spouse aware of the relationship?

A. They never had a clue.

B. They had suspicions, but never any evidence.

C. We thought those were karaoke mikes!

Were others in your unit aware of the relationship, and was the relationship detrimental to unit morale?

A. They were aware and supportive.

B. They were aware and critical.

C. Let them get their own dates!

Did you ever lie to your commanding officer(s) about the relationship?

A. I told them everything.

B. I responded on a need-to-know basis.

C. I'm a four-star general -- they wouldn't dare ask me.

Are you a girl?

A. Yes.

B. No.

C. So?

What has been the most lasting effect of your adulterous relationship?

A. A stronger marriage.

B. Constant guilt.

C. Oozing sores.

 6/10/97