Hearings Have Them Spinning in Their Seats

By Rick Horowitz

"...the committee will come to order. The committee will come to order. We've got a lot of territory to cover this morning, so if the senators would please -- "

"Mr. Chairman?"

"The chair recognizes Sen. Glenn."

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I just want to state once again for the record my hope that these hearings will be conducted in a fair and professional and bipartisan manner that we can -- "

"What's that on your tie?"

"Haley Barbour, Mr. Chairman -- pretty good likeness, don't you think? As I was saying: in a fair and professional and bipartisan manner that we can all be proud of. Thank you, Mr. Chairman, I look forward to working with you."

"I can see that. Is our witness ready? OK, sir, if you'll raise your right hand while I administer the oath: Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give will be the -- "

"They haven't laid a glove on him!"

" -- truth, the whole truth, and nothing but -- "

"Not a glove on him! What did I tell you?"

"The committee will be in order! The senators are reminded there are to be no comments during the administering of the oath."

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Chairman, but those comments didn't come from anyone on our side of the aisle."

"Nor ours, Mr. Chairman. I think it was someone in the audience."

"Well then, let me just remind the people in the audience that there are to be no comments, no outbursts of any -- "

"It's nothing but a fishing expedition! A complete waste of the taxpayers' money!"

"You there! That's right, you in the back. Please identify yourself to the committee."

"Skip Lightly -- White House Spin Patrol."

"White House what?!"

"Spin Patrol, Mr. Chairman. My job is to point out the absolute irrelevance and total futility of what you're doing in these hearings. This witness is a total bust for you, just as all your other witnesses have been, just as all your future witnesses will be. I've got a memo here that makes precisely those points."

"You do."

"Three pages. Single spaced."

"We haven't even sworn this witness in yet. Do you think it might be advisable to hear what he has to say first before you decide he's worthless?"

"No need to. Besides, if we wait until he actually testifies, we might miss a news cycle. `Worthless witness, hapless hearings' -- it's all here in our press release."

"Mr. Lightly, is it?"

"Yes, sir. I've also got the president's latest approval ratings -- he's up in the 60s, you know. So if you reporters will just keep your hands up until I -- "

"You're out of order, Mr. Lightly."

"Or I can make extra copies. See, nobody cares about this stuff. It's old news, and you can quote me on that."

"I said you're out of order, Mr. Lightly. Now, if you'll sit down and shut up, we can get back to what we're supposed to be doing here."

"`The chairman is easily distracted, observers have noticed, and is prone to losing his temper...'"

"That does it! The Sergeant at Arms will please remove Mr. Lightly from the hearing room immediately!"

"`"Our strategy has been brilliant so far," White House aides gloated as they were led from the hearing room. In fact, said one -- '"

"Get him out of here!"

"You want me to fax this to you?"

7/15/97