GOP Follies: Bill and Coup

By Rick Horowitz

Tongues cluck. Heads shake in disbelief. "The poor man," they say. "The poor deluded man." Doesn't he understand? It's just not done that way. The governor of Massachusetts -- the suddenly former governor of Massachusetts -- is making a fool of himself. They say.

They ought to know.

Welcome to the latest episode of "With Friends Like These..." that madcap summertime farce produced ("spawned" may be a better word) and directed (though you'd need a microscope to find any hint of direction) by the Garden of Hits, your friendly neighborhood Republican party.

When they're not chewing the scenery, the boys from the GOP -- and it is the boys, of course -- are spending their days gnawing on one another. Nutritious? Not especially. But it satisfies the blood lust until some juicier flesh comes along.

First it was the attempted coup, followed by the collapse of the attempted coup, followed by apologies from various corners of Newt Gingrich's loyal leadership team for throwing in with the plotters in the first place. (He didn't mean to be a traitor, Tom DeLay's people explained; it was a long day, and their guy was suffering from "mental fatigue," and...)

So here's what we've got this time around, at the other end of the Capitol corridor: Bill Weld, the libertarian Republican governor (until a couple of days ago) from Massachusetts, bumping up against Jesse Helms, the troglodyte Republican senator (until the voters get tired of it) from North Carolina. Jesse doesn't like Bill. Bill's not crazy about Jesse. None of which would matter a jot, except that Jesse's got something Bill needs.

Bill wants to be U.S. ambassador to Mexico. Jesse sits behind the sign that says "Chairman" in the Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing room. It's hard to become an ambassador unless the chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee approves.

The chairman does not approve.

The chairman didn't approve when President Clinton first suggested he was going to nominate Bill. Or when Bill told the prez to get off the fence and make the nomination official. Or when the prez did get off the fence.

No way, says the chairman. Also no how. Not "ambassador quality," Jesse says. Soft on drugs, too. (Seems that Bill supports legalizing marijuana for medical purposes. Jesse has a somewhat different position on the subject.)

Jesse doesn't even mention Bill's unwillingness, when he was running for the Senate himself last year, to declare that he'd support Jesse for another term as committee chairman. Maybe Jesse has forgotten all about that. Maybe the earth will start spinning in the other direction tomorrow morning, just for the fun of it.

Anyway, Bill's prospects for the ambassadorship look less than stellar -- or as Jesse's spokesman so colorfully puts it, "He's not going to Mexico except as a tourist."

So where's the self-delusion? Why does incurring Jesse's wrath make Bill a fool?

Because he's taken it public. He's been firing right back at Jesse -- calling the "soft on drugs" charges "phony baloney," criticizing Jesse's "litmus test on social policy," accusing Jesse of "ideological extortion." He's even resigned from his governor's job, the better, he says, to fight for the ambassador's job.

It's just not done that way. The clucking tongues and the shaking heads know it's not done that way. Nobody crosses Jesse in public and lives to tell about it. The way to deal with Jesse is gently, deferentially. You have to kiss his ring, and points farther south. That doesn't always work either, but at least you've got a shot.

Bill could care less. He doesn't register a blip on the Grovel-O-Meter, but at least he'll have the pleasure of calling a bully a bully. Jesse, meanwhile, will have the pleasure of polishing his reputation as a force not to be trifled with. And the Democrats will have the pleasure of holding their coats and letting them have at it -- the nastier, the better.

What was that 11th Commandment Ronald Reagan used to go on about? "Thou shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican"?

How quaint.

7/29/97