Too Much of Nothing

By Rick Horowitz

You there!

That's right -- you there in the hammock with the frosty glass of wet and the tiny tray of tasty: Can you spare a minute for some high-class seasonal pondering? (Of course you can spare a minute -- that sipping and chewing you're currently doing leaves at least a few brain cells underemployed, am I right?)

So here's the puzzlement: Is August August because nobody cares? Or does nobody care because August is August?

It's that time again. The stores are less crowded. The streets are less frenzied. Maybe you've noticed a certain glassy-eyed look on the TV news, a certain calmness in the nightly wrap-up. (Calm? They're practically comatose.)

Maybe you've noticed that some of your favorite correspondents have suddenly gone missing, replaced by people you're sure you've never laid eyes on before. Your newspaper feels a little lighter this morning; it doesn't thump on your doorstep the way it normally thumps on your doorstep.

Is it just your imagination, or is nobody returning your calls?

It's nothing personal. It's August -- 31 days of practically zilch.

What's the big news this month? The big news is there is no big news -- and that's no big news either; that's what August is all about.

Even what little news there is this August is mostly about things that aren't happening. The Mir spacecraft stops working. (Again.) The folks at UPS stop working, and then they stop stopping. John F. Kennedy Jr. stops wearing a shirt.

This is news? This is August. No highlights, no holidays. No nothing.

But there has to be news somewhere -- how about the president? The president is always good for news, isn't he? Not in August he's not. The prez skips town for three weeks of vacation, and the closest thing to news while he's tootling around Martha's Vineyard is:

* What's on his pizza?

* Who's in his golf cart?

* Is his pal Barbra Streisand really getting married?

Three weeks. The Leader of the Free World just closes up shop and puts the whole planet on hold for three weeks, and nobody bats an eyelash. He wouldn't do it in May. He wouldn't do it in October. But in August? Hey, no prob -- send us a postcard. Work on that tan.

The news magazines, then. They don't call them "news" magazines for nothing; they must have some news, yes? Absolutely. So what's on their covers this week? Time magazine has "The Death of Privacy." That's right: "The Death of Privacy." I don't know when "The Death of Privacy" happened -- I don't even know if it happened -- but you can bet your ATM password it wasn't in the past seven days. But that's their cover story.

And Newsweek? Newsweek's got the Virgin Mary -- a wonderful woman in her own right, I'm sure, but not exactly breaking news.

So what's the deal here? Do all the newsmakers and newsgatherers take a hike in August because they know nothing ever happens? Or does nothing ever happen because all the newsmakers and newsgatherers have taken a hike, so there's nobody around to make news, and nobody around to report it even if they did?

Or to put the question another way: If an anchorman falls in a forest, does anyone give a hoot?

Consider it a little cranium teaser for an August day. You think about it for a while, you ruminate and cogitate, and you let me know as soon as you've come up with an answer.

Me? It's time for my nap.

8/22/97