Just a "Few" Qualms

By Rick Horowitz

"I'm gonna WAIT till the midnight hour, that's when my -- "

"Beep!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Sorry to interrupt you, Mr. President, but I've got the Vice President on the line for you. He says it's important."

"He's no Wilson Pickett, I'll tell you that. `I'm gonna WAIT till the -- '"

"Must have been quite a blowout -- I hear you and Mrs. Clinton were dancing up a storm."

"We weren't the only ones. You ever see Walter Cronkite do the Funky Chicken?"

"No way!"

"Well, maybe not -- but I could tell he wanted to. And that Katharine Graham! Boy, you talk about -- "

"The Vice President, Mr. President? On line 1?"

"Oh, right. Sure, put him through. `I'm gonna WAIT -- '"

"Good morning, Mr. President. Sorry to bother you on your vacation."

"No problem at all, Al. You and Tipper doing OK?"

"Pretty well, Mr. President. You?"

"Having a great time! Plenty of parties, lots of food -- "

"About those fundraising calls, Mr. President...?"

"Right. You did what we told you, didn't you? You put the documents out before the committee put 'em out?"

"We certainly did."

"And you put your own spin on 'em? `Perfectly consistent with what we've already said'? That sort of thing?"

"Absolutely."

"Then you've got nothing to worry about. They start going after you, you just say, `Old news -- no big deal.'"

"Well, Mr. President, it's not quite that simple. Actually, I'm getting clobbered. See, they keep running that videotape from my press conference..."

"`No-controlling-legal-authority, no-controlling-legal-authority.' That one?"

"That's the one. But there was more to it than that."

"Something about you made `some' calls from your office? On a `few' occasions? So what's the problem?"

"Well, it was more like 10 occasions..."

"Sounds like a `few' to me. Doesn't it sound like a `few' to you?"

"And it was 60, maybe even 70 calls all together. At least."

"Well, that's `some' calls, on each occasion. That's what you said, isn't it?"

"But that's certainly not the impression people got when I said it. Everyone thought I was talking about maybe a handful of calls total."

"Which is exactly the impression they were supposed to get! And all you're doing now is spelling it out in a little more detail: a `few' occasions, and `some' calls. Perfectly consistent. Trust me, Al -- I do this kind of thing all the time."

"Maybe if I had as much practice at it as -- look, I know raising all that money was very important to us. But my good name is important, too. It's these calls, it's that Buddhist temple thing -- you know, before I teamed up with you, I had a reputation as an honest politician!"

"Before you teamed up with me, you had a reputation as a guy who couldn't get elected president if his life depended on it! Now you've got the nomination in your pocket, and they're already tearing one another to shreds on the other side. I'd say you've done pretty well for yourself, wouldn't you?"

"Well..."

"So why don't you just chill out? Go play some golf or something -- it's gonna be OK. I keep telling you, people don't care about this stuff."

"They don't?"

"Not even a little. As long as my numbers stay up, your numbers stay up, and my numbers aren't going anywhere. It's as simple as -- "

"Beep!"

"Hang on a sec. Yeah?"

"Mike Espy on line 2, Mr. President. He says it's important."

8/29/97