For the Holidays!

Assuming Nobody Fumbles the Fruitcake

By Rick Horowitz

With just a few days left in the season, here's how it's shaping up so far:

Aunt Lulu, she's in. It's her house, she's the one going to all the fuss, naturally she's in.

Uncle Hank, likewise -- he's in. It's his house, too, even if he's not the one going to all the fuss, unless you consider sitting in the recliner and yelling "Is it ready yet?" at Aunt Lulu every five minutes or so going to fuss. He's in.

Cousin Wally, he's in. He's got the best record in the whole family for remembering birthdays and anniversaries and such. Cousin Charlene says Cousin Wally's got a card shop on the side, but she's just poking at him. She loves him like a brother.

Cousin Charlene, she's in, too. She's the best teaser, and besides, Cousin Wally is as crazy about her as vice versa.

Belle Marie from the old neighborhood is in -- it just wouldn't seem right without her.

Sid From Down the Block, he's in. Nobody's sure how he got invited in the first place, or even what his whole name is, but he's decent enough and doesn't eat much.

Little Melba -- that's Aunt Lulu's youngest -- and Little Melba's friend Idene -- they're in. Little Melba makes a holiday loaf you have to see to believe. Idene helps her carry it.

Grandpa Homer, of course -- he's in. And me, mostly because they need someone to drive Grandpa Homer over and back.

That makes ten. And two spots around the table still open.

Aunt Lulu says if Cousin Marv beats Cousin Harv to the phone when she calls to invite them, Cousin Marv is in. If Cousin Harv beats Cousin Marv, Cousin Harv is in. They're still sharing an apartment, Cousin Marv and Cousin Harv, even though they're not talking to one another and won't go anywhere the other one's going.

The other open spot, Aunt Lulu says, is between Great-Aunt Frannie and Mr. Schliegel from the store. Great-Aunt Frannie is family (which just goes to show you, Uncle Hank says), and Mr. Schliegel isn't quite, even if he did come close that one time to asking Cousin Dyanne to marry him, though that may just have been the egg nog talking.

If Cousin Marv and Cousin Harv aren't home and hear Aunt Lulu's message on their phone machine at the same time, then it comes down to who finds the first parking space near Aunt Lulu's. Cousin Marv's car is smaller, so it fits in more spaces. Cousin Harv's car is gigantic, so if they find the same space at the same time, Cousin Marv won't be going anywhere but the body shop.

If they find different spaces but get to the door together, Uncle Hank says Aunt Lulu should use the tie-breaker: Whoever brings Uncle Hank the best tie gets in. Uncle Hank is partial to the ones with Rudolph's nose blinking.

Cousin Marv can lose on parking and still be in, Aunt Lulu says, but only if Cousin Harv and Mr. Schliegel park so close together they have to stay outside untangling their bumpers. Cousin Harv can't get in that way -- Cousin Marv doesn't have any bumpers.

If Mr. Schliegel and Cousin Marv and Cousin Harv all finish in the same parking space, Aunt Lulu says it's Great-Aunt Frannie plus whoever's got the best car insurance. And if it's Great-Aunt Frannie and Cousin Marv and Cousin Harv in the same space, it's Mr. Schliegel plus whoever does best in head-to-head insults.

Cousin Seymour's the wild card, same as always. He's Aunt Lulu's oldest, doesn't even live in town anymore, but you never know with Cousin Seymour. Mr. Schliegel once fired Cousin Seymour down at the store -- too much time talking to the girls, he said. If Cousin Seymour's in, Mr. Schliegel's definitely out, even if it's right in the middle of dinner.

That makes twelve. Aunt Lulu's all excited, just the idea of everyone together and laughing and chit-chatting across the table about this and that. One rule she's got, though: Nobody's allowed to talk about the football playoffs.

Too complicated, Aunt Lulu says.