For Prom time

Stay Calm, Stay Calm -- It's Only the Prom

By Rick Horowitz

Only days away now, and you can cut the excitement with a boutonniere. It's Prom Time! -- night of dreams for the household teen.

They've got one of those -- teens, that is -- in their very own household. Actually, they've got two, but only one is doing the prom this time around. One, it turns out, is plenty.

"A Night to Remember" -- that's this year's prom theme, and that's exactly the way she's looking at it, the teen who's going. She wants -- expects -- it to be the best night of her life. The adults see it a bit differently. "Do you remember," the adult female quizzes the adult male, "something else called `A Night to Remember'?"

"That movie about the Titanic?"

Why is this not comforting?

They may have been lulled into complacency. The early signs, after all, were so promising. Prom Teen had a prom group -- three girls, three dates -- lined up months ago. She found a prom dress -- sharp-but-affordable, sleek-but-danceable -- on her very first shopping trip. They figured the hardest part of the planning was behind her. What were they thinking?!

What they should have been thinking was: Normandy invasion.

So many details, so many hurdles to overcome. There was that moment, for instance, when Prom Teen worried -- aloud -- about whether her date, a college freshman but a shy sort, and Girlfriend No. 1's date, a high-school freshman (and also a shy sort), would have all that much to talk about. Girlfriend No. 1 didn't take it well.

Things were tense for a while. Things could be tense again, especially if Girlfriend No. 2's date (not a shy sort) isn't around to play social director -- and with Girlfriend No. 2's parents insisting she's totally grounded after a hefty run of recent motor offenses, who knows?

All of this worrying, it happens, taking place thoroughly out of earshot of the three guys in question -- the all-girl meeting, for instance, three full weeks before the big night, to hammer out "Final Prom Plans." (That's what they called them: "Final Prom Plans.")

Most of which, in fact, had little to do with the prom itself, and plenty to do with after the prom. Everybody goes to the prom. The prom is the reason for everything. But the prom is nothing. The high school throws the prom; by definition, the prom is dorky.

What's cool is doing something after the prom -- except that the school, deciding they'd rather have the kids in one place (supervised) than roaming the city with engines and hormones aflutter, has put together a post-prom, too, which by definition is also pretty dorky. And so the focus of all attention is something else again: filling the time between the end of post-prom and sunrise.

"It's not fair," Prom Teen has complained; she and the Girlfriends don't have any "Prior Prom Experience." (That's what she called it: "Prior Prom Experience.") If only they had some "Prior Prom Experience," they'd know exactly what to expect, and how to maximize their total prom-night pleasure.

Prom Teen's mother has an idea. "Why don't you go to the prom," she suggests, "and then to the post-prom, and then when the post-prom's over and you're all exhausted, why don't you all go...home? Then you can get together again later in the morning and pack a nice picnic lunch and -- "

What is she talking about? The whole point of prom night is to spend the entire night out. And if this particular burg doesn't specialize in 24-hour entertainment?

There's always a hotel room.

Prom Teen and Girlfriends want to rent a hotel room. One room, three girls, three dates. In a hotel room. Not -- perish the thought! -- that they intend to do anything they wouldn't be willing to do right in front of their parents. It's just that if they rent a hotel room, they can use the pool (at 3 a.m.?) and call room service and such. Nothing more than that.

Perish the thought.

The adults are having trouble perishing the thought, so they make another suggestion: Why don't they all rent a hotel suite? Prom Teen and company could be in one room doing all those wholesome things they were planning on doing anyway, and the adults would be just a plaster inch away, as close as --

This is the dorkiest idea Prom Teen has heard yet. They figured it might be.

Negotiations continue.